Under the Storm /// And here we are,.

Oh how time ticks,. oh how it also tocks,.

I heard a really good quote from Penn & Teller earlier today,.

You don't heal a broken heart by pretending is not broken,.

 The more I discern the phrase,. the more it made sense,. And I came to the conclusion (an answer I know is there, but oh,. how do I not wish to accept ((denial)) I am looking at my recent problems all wrong,.

I got so stuck trying to control every aspect of life,. I turned into this loc'ed mad man,. But the last week or two I've really taken the time to space out a little bit. Although <----- nbsp="" p="" unifished="" word="">
(I stopped and left this post as a draft. I left 2 days, I don't remember really what stopped me from continuing what I was writing above. But I can tell you this,. I promise I wont disappoint by not finishing my thoughts this time around.

First I will list the things I'll talk about,.

What I've been up to,.
My Keyboard,.
My Vices,.
My Outlook on life,.

What I've been up to,.

Basically these last two weeks I've focused on work. Outside of work, my life has been a bit monotonous. Basically, my bedroom triples as a,. well,. bedroom,. living room & workplace,.

I do have have my little moments outside of my room from time to time, I  sometimes go to the park or run errands or go out with my brothers or my friends, but in the end, I end up here.

 Thus making the experience of life overall a bit claustrophobious (AND YES I KNOW THAT WORD DOES NOT EXIST, DON'T KNOW IF I'M COINING THE TERM, BUT THAT IS THAT).

My KEyBoArD

On other news,... Well,. let me set the scene first,. This a bit technical,. I love notebooks. Yes I do,. I mainly use a notebook when two things happen. I'm working on personal stuff or I really needed to get out of the house and I'm traveling. That is it. Besides that, you will not find me working on a notebook / laptop ever,. I hope I am true to my word there.

The point is I love my desktop. I love working on a desktop. I love having a real work space. And enjoy the power, performance and efficiency that a desktop may give you. 

On that note, let me just note one thing I have loved about a notebook that I have yet to enjoy on a desktop. A notebooks keyboard feels really good to type on. Whereas I have always not cared much about upgrading the low-end keyboards I've used with the desktop computers I've built.

But I noticed something. I didn't want to work much because my hands are always hurting. I honestly put that pain in the back of my mind and dismissed as me being lazy. I honestly thought that my body was making excuses to not work. I don't know if it is because I've been mostly by myself (total loneliness, even caught myself talking to myself out loud) this past month. And I'm pretty sure this (being alone) and an herb I've been toking lately (yes I own a pipe) have made me awfully aware of my body. Since we are in the topic of my keyboard, I'll limit myself on letting you know that the pain I'm still talking about is my hands.

So this pain, which I thought was laziness, gained my attention slowly but surely this past month. To the point I said,. "Fuck It, could it be the keyboard?". So I sat there at my desk analyzing the situation. I leaned very closely to keyboard and observed the motion of the keys as I slowly pressed those buttons, I began to noticed how shitty, swampy, muddy the keys felt. I noticed that the layout on my desktop for the keyboard and mouse, made the position I sat uncomfortable. Made me noticed that the number keypad was an obstruction and caused my mouse to be far apart from the letters in my keyboard. Thus making my movements during the day slowly cause pain to hands.

Believe, this makes sennse when you spend from 8 to 11 hours on your desk typing away.

My conclusion was,. "Well, It's time we do some research on a new keyboard."

My first thought was to jump in mthe car head over to X computer shop and buy a decent keyboard.

But then as I researched further, through Amazon and YouTube videos. I noticed that there was cheap mechanical keyboards out there. I mean they are not that cheap. But they do not get to the level of making you feel bad for spending so much money on a Keyboard.


So I locked in to an specific model I wanted. Which is the Magicforce68 (Tenkeyless, meaning it does not have a NumKey Pad. And I chose the model with Khail blues, which mimics the behavior of Cherry MX blue switches.

I ordered it from amazon and took a week to get to my hands (Great job Amazon and AeroPost). Total price after Shipping & Handling. - $82.00

I got it this last Friday and was really excited (you know this is a special moment when you have a boring life, lol). So I came back to my room and immediately chucked the old keyboard out of the way and hooked up the new keyboard. And oh my smile when I saw it light up. But better yet. I fired up the work platform and I cant tell you the joy I felt typing the rest of the day.

The switches are amazing, your finger makes love to that key when pressed. The back-lit is strong and so helpful, it really helps when seeing the keys (less eye strain), back lit is so good though, that I have it dialed two levels down from max level. No one needs that much light, lol.

I have to say, I am really happy. because I have come to realize that sometimes we ignore the little things. This was not about making a purchase because of the love of material things. In fact, I have not purchase anything material for myself in quite a long time. Those little things we ignore sometimes,.. Sometimes paying attention and doing something about my help on the long run.


Just wanted to share a simple action from someone who's nobody and decided to do this one thing on day. And how it went well for him.

Here is the keyboard by the way:

I know my current camera sucks,. but,. deal with it,.

My Vices,.

Food/Sugar Alcohol/Tobacco,.

This could be a long rant,.

I wont look to the past on this or it will expand the length of this post. And after that keyboard story. I really enjoyed typing that, by the way, but still. The train of thought decides how long we should go.

Food / Sugar

Young me had a problem with this. Sadly pre-teen, teen and young adult me did not know how to cope with depression and made food and whole-day sleeping their escape routes. I ate away my whole childhood and slept away all my sadness (come to find it is not so easy to let go that way).

I'm working on it. If we lost 100 pounds, what are a few more,. We'll get there. 

I think I got this down. I eat decent now,. So this is a non-issue,. Except just focusing on having at least 1% likeness to an athletic body, haha. So that requires exercise. But for now walking is enough. For now,. This is due to my other issue,.

Alcohol/Tobacco

These have been older/present me problems. Alcohol not so much lately. Although I did noticed how much of an asshole I've become the past few times I've been drunk. But that was due to personal issues. This is currently in progress. So let's leave it at that.

Tobacco,.

This is numero uno. My current adversary. Above everything, this is my current problem.

My letter to Tobacco:

Dear Friend,

I know you've been there in my toughest times,

You've helped me escape from my emotional pain,.

When the night was at it's darkest, 

you gave be a small red light to contemplate,.

I am grateful for those moments,

From those moments I learned,.

The smoke clouded the the bad thoughts away,

But now you've taken the wrong place,.

You've replaced emotion for physical,

My Pain and who I am, a result of this,.

 So friend please, disern my words,

I need you to leave,.

I'm speaking the truth, I am speaking my heart. Those that do not know a vice which becomes and addiction that goes and directly becomes a threat to your life. And despite knowing that fact you continue to let it run your life,. Have no idea of what those words above signify to those who have lost that battle for so long.

Understand this. For the past month I'm smoking two packs a day. I understand my problem all too well.

So we'll take it one day at a time.

My Outlook on life,.

I'm still lost on what will happen next. I currently expect nothing from anybody. But my problem is,. I'll still help those who ask. I guess at this moment I am just waiting.

I'm just waiting for people to slip, just enough,.
Just enough for me to find the courage and strength to say, "no more",.

My problem has always been not saying "no",. I try to make everyone happy, I crave for being accepted. I need to be noticed and I don't mean this in a narcissistic way, I mean, I need for those that mean something to me to return that affection,. That is always a let-down,. I feel I give so much,.
But the moment you do that, people expect it from you, always. And since they have accustomed to your behavioral pattern, they don't care the way they treat you.

No wonder good guys are always at the back of the line. And true douche-bags are always the twinkle in a woman's eye.

So yeah, I have no dog in this fight, just yet.
I just know I've become desensitized to the word love again,.

Everything else looks bright. Me works, Me gets moneys, Me pays our debts and Me looks to invest. That's the focus now. To make way for a better future. Not for just Me,. but for my family & friends and whoever comes next,.

Loved to type all this non-sense,. Should write a book,. But I have having to fix the syntax on conversations,. blah,.

I'm out. Peace, bitches,.

Not the usual Roster,.

What a week and weekend that was,. It ends with being told,. "Start packing Today", what could possibly be next? All I know is I'm exhausted, last week was heavy, Doc (LoL). Work was busy,. but about about that will be out soon (Not to Self - Analogy) Friday I went out be myself, took a ride to space out, but unlike any other time I do this, I decided to change my course. Where I found two friends I know that do not like each other so much. Nevertheless, the night went fine as I juggled each interaction with a swift skill of sleight of hand misdirection. Well, one them was bound to be somewhat upset by the end of the night. But like I've said before, I know those intentions (from both),. So no pain on my end,. Ended up going where I should not go and we fell asleep watching a scary movie,. didn't even see a minute of the movie, as we passed out after pressing play, which was funny.

Woke up at 11am the next day, fresh and re-freshed. And made our way out as I still had to work and she had her own things to do (it was my designated work weekend). Except we passed by the super-market, and this is where it hit me, it is interesting to go to places you normally go, but with people you don't go normally with. It just fucks up so much with your habitual way of doing things, entertaining but temporarily. 

So we made our way to her end of the road, then made my way home to grind work for the rest of the day. Which I do not know how I to describe such a horrible experience. I love to work, but work early and the be free the rest of the day. I do not. Let me repeat. I DO NOT,... Like to waste the earlier part of the day and work the afternoon forward. It is not my cup of Tea. But like an old wise woman that I used to know once said, "Despues del gustazo, esta el trancazo" (Only way I see this being translated is "Time to pay the Piper". As I paid for that all night tune the piper played),.

I'm too tired to go on,. So my weekend rant ends here. It is midnight and my eyes are dry, my mind needs to shut down. I'll get to Sunday, my analogy on tickets at wor and Star Wars tomorrow.

Night World,.

Here,. so far away,.

Slept all evening during the rain. Now I can't fall back asleep. So I sit here back to the wall on my bed. And I can shake of the nerves of what is to come and if I'll make it to my goal (can't say just yet, cause I feel I'm close to jinxing the whole plan). Mid-November will define what I will focus on 2016. The struggle is real, real dumb. Wish I would've been given more time to prepare myself.

Also, I wish I would've kept my mouth shut to family and friends until I had confirmation. Tired of getting asked how my plans are going. I already have enough to worry about. It's been a year of somewhat-strict debt snowball recovery. Can't deny it though. After the first punch below the belt given on September. The word "despilfarro" comes to mind. Trying to forget, to not cry,.. So tired & stressed out,.. 

My hair is falling again, which is just adding to the negative feels. It's the dieting. But, we broke the long-standing plateau. I have up to now lost 83 pounds since my highest weight ever recorded. I just have to do half that again to be ok. Perseverance, bitches. At least sugar levels have improved, for the moment. But we have learned the struggle is real and only I understand what it's been and the road I have to take. Sitting idly by just amounts in fucking up you health. Anyways,.,.

I've alway been a night person,  but I really need to rest. Insomnia has me, but in order to learn new programming code I need to be in tune. To go to the gym, I need to feel energized. And to be positive, I need to continue receiving positive vibes. All hopes for the best. I'll try to catch some Z's again. Night world.

This is the tune of this scene,.,.

Dreams of Enthralling Danger,.

You know that feeling at the pit of your stomach, when you see someone or something that strikes you right at the core, someone or something you've held too much feels built up for. Those feelings, memories, thoughts are dormant, excluded from your day to day persona.

A sweet sense of "oh, shit,. this is not good...", a captivating discomfort, fear of facing that which you hold dear. Tender and sensitive armored by layers of protection, yet the danger of disruption seduces & amuses your deep thoughts.

The sweet safety of dreams. Ignorance, it is not so bliss when you think you've committed wrong decisions during a dream. Because sadly, you think you're causing havoc in more ways than one to your real life. Felt so so bad, yet, with a dash of pretty sweet to welcome trouble, even though it was all in my head.

Long day, but work is done, webinars complete, member's happy. It's time for the sun to drop and make way for a long night. The rain has accompanied during this session. But it's time to switch mode. I'll keep my thoughts close, as we watch the social fire dance commence.

On another topic (close but off). Last Wednesday night. Feeling that kept stuck in me, must be messed up trying hard to seduce someone, but they're stuck tripping a song off staring at the lights.
Well, I kind know how some of that kinda feels, lol, but that's something else entirely (looks away,.).

Jumping on random topics. I got too many drafts. Note to self's, I must publish, stick around and complete. Hopefully soon.

All in all, bottom line,. nothing can bring you happiness but yourself,. even if the week was a grind from hell.

On that note. Time to get up and get lost. tip of the hat. Good night world. Cue up the track. lol.

---------- ~+~ ----------

---------- ~+~ ----------

I must (Time for a New Season)

It's as though I purposely kept myself away for so long. Trying to find the right words to express all that has happened in 2 years,. Insanely caught in a never-ending spiral drowning out my voice to keep my head in peace. Yet I never achieved it.

Peace, I never achieved it,.

I myself,. am still learning to find order out of my own being, where entropy truly reigns supreme. I've given up on promises to myself, as of this second i hold myself accomplice and co-conspirator of my own devices.

But that's not to say I wont push myself to what I know is a just reward for me and my loved ones. That would be furthest from the substance that allows my existence. I'll keep my course, head held high.

I can feel the flavor of sweet faith.

Tunkofest 2011

Went to El Tunco with my friends yesterday night,. (they stayed over I came back, I have work to do). Now there's a place that has change throughout the years. Wish I could've enjoyed it farther than my head lets me. Just like I was wishing that rock band polluting the night's air to shut the hell up. No point in going to El Tunco and sitting next to so much noise,. Might as well stayed home a wore protection ear muffs while we drank. But moving my view aside of some meaningless things. It was good to see my friends all in one place. Rare opportunities for us to be in one place will sadly become scarce. So well then I stayed with them as far as it was possible but the time came I had to leave. I thought coming back from El Tunco was going to be challenging (due to my anxiety kicking in like a bat out of hell just as if it bothers me whenever it's bored and wants me to amuse its witty self,.) It was a great ride though, The only thing I remember thinking was, "Man this rode is not so bad, people should really stop racing these streets,..". Oh well,. got home 30 minutes later, I messaged my babygirl, who has been working really hard on her assignment for class. Such a beautiful girl, such an admiration, like no other. Love you baby,. After that message I sent her, I fell asleep like a rock. And now,. I gotta get ready for work,. Well then, take care.

Recap ::: A tale of a week that ends and the other one begins,. On the eve of this post,.

¬.¬ And then I said,.

"Doped moment,."
And even though its the weekend and after two exams which made my brain crunch so much info,. {with assistance of a very rocking tutor} .,Starting the work week tomorrow with the morning's third, but last exam @7am,. By the end of the day with so many things going on,. I was left without words,. Drove home, picked up my stuff, and came to my room,. 4pills,. lots of water,. 3 cigz {I'm really trying, but fuck they are needed},. TVs on low volume,. just some idiot on the screen, acting a fool. Stared in front of the mirror for a few minutes, counted about 42 things i would change,. meh,.

You know,. I would really love to listen to a guided meditation like the one in the cancer support group in Fight Club, Ive always felt I would have really loved experience that. I guess I would really enjoy right about now letting my mind creep out to those corners of my mind where I have not revisited for such a long time,. Mmm,. I don't know why,. but that part of my mind I always imagine it as two different settings,. I'm guessing they are obviously two different corners in my mind,. I don't think they are the only two,. But they are definitely for some reason the most visually present. One is red velvet like. And the other one is blue. Both have light and dark areas. Heavily contrasted. Haha, Ok, no one is gonna know what the fuck I'm talking about now. I digressed outta everything that's sane. That's way too personal, I looked crazy now, but delete does not exist,.. most times.

Back to normal things,.

I did something way stupid Friday afternoon. I picked up the camera and starting viewing the pictures I had taken for this week {I try doing this the most I can, sadly. Inside work there is nothing fun to shoot at} as a purged the crap pics I erased a 10 minute video I had made last Saturday night {22nd Aug, 2009}. I took it in my video casting place. Meaning the walking overpass in front the Citi building. Well,. the location is not important {since it only looks good on camera @ night}. well,. the thing was that the video had to do with a lot of likes and dislikes about life, work,. and how studying is so damn important {got to watch it only twice I was really proud of it}. But sadly this idiot deleted it. Ok pills have really taken effect now. Eyes closing bad, mmm,. loved support with the exams,. then later on the pizza & beer & company & stories told today, sadly it ended again with a twist. But again,. thanks for rocking it,. breath,. preparing to evacuate soul {for the night, tampoco mucho drama,.},.

P.S. Nunca Jamas is already taken, despite our little discussion, it was the first thing I came to check once I got to my room,.

Well looky here,. my horoscope of today meaning yesterday,.
You may be annoyed or even angry if someone says one thing yet does another today. You could be hesitant to say anything at all, for you don't know what is really going on. It's challenging, for you're unable to trust your senses if others give you mixed messages. Accept the dilemma as a temporary situation, for attempts to resolve the conflict now will only increase your current frustration.

Sleeping now,. Good Night half of planet earth which is sleeping,.

One of the pics that survived the noob's erasure "slash" massacre o' pics

I want my tattoo already,.

Why Cross? strength, peace & hope

I got a probable queue:::

Cross, Bold outline star, Cross (Simple 2 Sticks) & the Ankh

@ 345 bored bored bored,.

Friday afternoon I started writing this small story, which I guess will be some of the first posts of the other blog, although I haven't really worked out the way in which I will carry out the story-telling process. Seeing as though. Will some be chapters are others just small stories, and how will
And now the other things,.
Everything play out on the blog streamlined format. Maybe I just shouldn't give a f*ck,. That always works. Well it was really nice to begin writing a fictional story. I had forgotten the wonders of just letting your mind go with the flow as you textually create an ambiance, The Bee's Knees. Friday night I honestly had no plans, hell, I'm poorer than the flame throwing dude on the corner. I was ready for a night of movies alone in the living room. When the phone rang 3 times, requesting my presence for an evening of a socially-hydrated forum. Which was good. It's always nice to see your school friends and remember the days past. haha.
Saturday morning was not good though. It was an all morning grind. Scrubbing the team RR has its ups and downs. I get to listen to music all day. But it takes kinda long to ramp up, cuz I really did start slow Saturday,. So left work around 4 or 5, then went home. Enclosed myself in my room. And napped till like 7pm,.
Woken by Lui's call telling me if I was gonna go to Byll's house. Which I said yes cause well, again I had no plans seeing as though I cannot make any plans due to the wallet con su "cara de parto",. So we drank the night away, saw things I shouldn't have seen. Raul, you are indeed a show,. WTF comes to mind,. Byll wasn't even there, left with one of our fellow RSs to go eat tacos :s. WTF, again. Anyways.
The night passed, Returned home ASAP cause well, no gas to be exploring our nation's capital. And then came Sunday morning,. Which I cannot complain. Cold rain and the bed,. need I say more,. Got out of bed and decided to check on the happenings around the house. To find myself alone and a note stating,. "Gone for the day,..." So the day was basically what I originally planned for Friday,. I watched movies,. Nothing new,. just revisiting old movies on TNT HBO, etc.. :: Minority Report, Bournes Identity and Supremacy, Hitched, Fast and Furious 4 and It's all gone Pete Tong,. like 2 hours of The Simpsons too. :p
I have now realized that I really do need to reorder my room,. There seems to be such an inefficiency between the bed and desk,. can't work like that. So gotta look into getting that solved. Caus honestly getting tired of that issue,. -.-