Behind Smiles,.

So the last days of March are upon us. And with it comes uncertainty about my sanity. I remember, as a child I was a cool headed, centered minded, laid back soul. I was able to navigate between obstacles that did not affect my well being much. I was able to place my hope on my own hands and stir clear from those which could harm me. That right there though, was a blessing and a curse. Because even though I was saving myself from pain, I was also not learning how to manage it. I was not learning to be an adult.

So many things I have not learned yet when it comes to interpersonal relationships, confidence and the agility to face and make decisions based on principle, logic and thinking with my head, not with my sudden train of emotions,. We know I keep burning myself with the latter,.

And all because of a stupid obsession,. An obsession of something unattainable,. To make matters worse this affects me physically, emotionally, my time & financially. Because of the small sacrifices I make to keep something a float which is meant to dim,. if left alone,.

It's like I have not learned much at all. Because I should know better,. to look away and let go,. But my idle hands have been busy in the Devil's Playground. But this obsession has kept me pinned on a bad spot,.

I'm so tired of thinking so much,. Making shit up in my head,. Losing time over people that clearly do not make time for you,. I should know better,. because I was doing so well in being diligent with my own time and limiting others to my precious commodity. But I fell off,. I dropped guard,. I let someone in,. I let them play with my most sacred piece of me,. my battered heart,. I was an idiot for letting this happened,.

It happened before,. I let some one in,. I let them hold my heart and ignored as they slowly treated it without import,. Slowly scarring deep inside when I trusted them, needed them the most,.

And here we are again,. even though this was in no way as deep as my previous relationships. It currently gives me grief because it is the present I am living. It is the result of who I've been and the decisions I've made in the past year. It is the first time I let go after a very intense and most important relationship I've had in my life,. Sadly, also the relationship that brought me to my knees, the pain was hard to heal,. It took me to a place I thought I was not going to get out from,.

And here I am years later,. committing more mistakes,. racking up points of self-loath,.  It angers me and saddens me inside!,.

Now what do I do? Do I just accept the fact that this is not meant to be? I was meant to walk this earth stranded and alone?,. Sucks to be this way,. I wish genuinely I did not give a fuck about anyone,. That I could be an asshole, and not need any of this,. But we all want a little bit of happiness,.

Seether said it best,.

"Hold me now I need to feel complete

Like I matter to the one I need"

My time is up,. Good night Moon,. Guard me, hold me from a distance & take these thoughts away from here,.

Fear,. (This may escalate rather quickly)

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fear

ˈfir/

noun

1. 1.

   an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

   
   

verb

1. 1.

   be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.

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Some of my fears,. 

Speaking in public,. being singled out,. dancing (lol, true, even though I like to, but feel horrible at it),. small talk with strangers,. loosing loved ones,. heights,. being buried alive,. floating in large bodies of water,. becoming too angry causing irreparable damage (this may happen exploding on the spot or implosive, justifying actions of something wrong I could do). Fear of being touched (for personal reasons), fainting (Anxiety-wise), failure (also an anxiety issue), eye contact (unless I know you, (or at least I think I do)), women,. love,. relationships,. opening my heart,. being myself in front of others,. Sadly, what other's think,. Rejection,. Being cheated on,. Not being enough,. 

That said,. 

It's oh so hypocritical, but I now know, without a single shadow of a doubt that what I want, or was looking for,.  Does not exist in this world,. [Raise that whiskey,.] Here's to all the "truths" that hide all the lies. 

Here's the rant. 

For so long I'm not looking, I left it all behind, I look out for myself, my immediate family, my closest friends,. The rest can get the fuck out. Why don't I let anyone near? Cause the more I listen to people speak the more I realize how full of shit they are. How two-face everyone is. How double standards play a primary role in this game. The more people I meet, the more girls/women I talk to, the more I feel I belong elsewhere. Women here have an agenda, a train of thought I don't even begin to understand and requirements I do not meet, nor wish to do so, at least not for them.

The more I listen to some "friends" of mine, the more I see them for what they truly are, fucking passive-haters, desiring for you to not succeed, as last not beyond them, because they always have to be better than you, one way or another. Can't be happy for my success? And call me out for my physical appearance? For the fact I am no "ladies man"? Cause that is all you have to bring me down, and sadly you know it. And yes, it works. 

I'll shut up now, too much info. 


All I'l say is this,

I'll keep walking my path, I'm no saint, definitely not perfect, no role model, pretty sure I'm a sinner. Doing wrong on a daily basis. I wear a mask, because I can't express myself unless I do. And the rejection, is too damn high. Who knows it? I know it.

But maybe for the first time in my life, I understand that my fears make me who I am. My pain, molds me as I grow. The torments I have within myself affect the perception I have about everything. It's expressed in my writing, my music, my drawings, my photography.

So, my path is there for me to walk, head on with a with a few daily fears, not running away from them, other's will take a long time for me to challenge them again. Not ready to believe in love. It's a myth. Plus I have not time for that. I'm barely learning to love myself just yet, honest to God, I am trying. Hopefully, one day I'll look in the mirror and stop wishing to be the person I see and actually be more than that.

But enough about stupid rants,. 
I'll look back to this and say. Oh damn,. that broken soul was a mess, and hopefully laugh,.

Well, for now, It's too late, I was looking for the words to vent and I'm glad I did. Cause I needed to so bad and like always no one to talk to about it. But this is something I wouldn't like to discuss, let go of my thoughts, period.

So back to bed, for now. 

I put my mask back on,

I smile, :) & whisper, "Night, World.",.

Tunkofest 2011

Went to El Tunco with my friends yesterday night,. (they stayed over I came back, I have work to do). Now there's a place that has change throughout the years. Wish I could've enjoyed it farther than my head lets me. Just like I was wishing that rock band polluting the night's air to shut the hell up. No point in going to El Tunco and sitting next to so much noise,. Might as well stayed home a wore protection ear muffs while we drank. But moving my view aside of some meaningless things. It was good to see my friends all in one place. Rare opportunities for us to be in one place will sadly become scarce. So well then I stayed with them as far as it was possible but the time came I had to leave. I thought coming back from El Tunco was going to be challenging (due to my anxiety kicking in like a bat out of hell just as if it bothers me whenever it's bored and wants me to amuse its witty self,.) It was a great ride though, The only thing I remember thinking was, "Man this rode is not so bad, people should really stop racing these streets,..". Oh well,. got home 30 minutes later, I messaged my babygirl, who has been working really hard on her assignment for class. Such a beautiful girl, such an admiration, like no other. Love you baby,. After that message I sent her, I fell asleep like a rock. And now,. I gotta get ready for work,. Well then, take care.

Recap ::: A tale of a week that ends and the other one begins,. On the eve of this post,.

¬.¬ And then I said,.

"Doped moment,."
And even though its the weekend and after two exams which made my brain crunch so much info,. {with assistance of a very rocking tutor} .,Starting the work week tomorrow with the morning's third, but last exam @7am,. By the end of the day with so many things going on,. I was left without words,. Drove home, picked up my stuff, and came to my room,. 4pills,. lots of water,. 3 cigz {I'm really trying, but fuck they are needed},. TVs on low volume,. just some idiot on the screen, acting a fool. Stared in front of the mirror for a few minutes, counted about 42 things i would change,. meh,.

You know,. I would really love to listen to a guided meditation like the one in the cancer support group in Fight Club, Ive always felt I would have really loved experience that. I guess I would really enjoy right about now letting my mind creep out to those corners of my mind where I have not revisited for such a long time,. Mmm,. I don't know why,. but that part of my mind I always imagine it as two different settings,. I'm guessing they are obviously two different corners in my mind,. I don't think they are the only two,. But they are definitely for some reason the most visually present. One is red velvet like. And the other one is blue. Both have light and dark areas. Heavily contrasted. Haha, Ok, no one is gonna know what the fuck I'm talking about now. I digressed outta everything that's sane. That's way too personal, I looked crazy now, but delete does not exist,.. most times.

Back to normal things,.

I did something way stupid Friday afternoon. I picked up the camera and starting viewing the pictures I had taken for this week {I try doing this the most I can, sadly. Inside work there is nothing fun to shoot at} as a purged the crap pics I erased a 10 minute video I had made last Saturday night {22nd Aug, 2009}. I took it in my video casting place. Meaning the walking overpass in front the Citi building. Well,. the location is not important {since it only looks good on camera @ night}. well,. the thing was that the video had to do with a lot of likes and dislikes about life, work,. and how studying is so damn important {got to watch it only twice I was really proud of it}. But sadly this idiot deleted it. Ok pills have really taken effect now. Eyes closing bad, mmm,. loved support with the exams,. then later on the pizza & beer & company & stories told today, sadly it ended again with a twist. But again,. thanks for rocking it,. breath,. preparing to evacuate soul {for the night, tampoco mucho drama,.},.

P.S. Nunca Jamas is already taken, despite our little discussion, it was the first thing I came to check once I got to my room,.

Well looky here,. my horoscope of today meaning yesterday,.
You may be annoyed or even angry if someone says one thing yet does another today. You could be hesitant to say anything at all, for you don't know what is really going on. It's challenging, for you're unable to trust your senses if others give you mixed messages. Accept the dilemma as a temporary situation, for attempts to resolve the conflict now will only increase your current frustration.

Sleeping now,. Good Night half of planet earth which is sleeping,.

One of the pics that survived the noob's erasure "slash" massacre o' pics

I want my tattoo already,.

Why Cross? strength, peace & hope

I got a probable queue:::

Cross, Bold outline star, Cross (Simple 2 Sticks) & the Ankh

Bad Shirt Day,.

Damn, I'm so tired lately this schedule change has been the worst hit on my other things to do. Everything looks sou damn exhausting to accomplish. Take for example the fact that my favorite link in IE and Firefox are next to being a complete mess. It just bugs me. But just as I get out of work, I have no plans in my agenda to fix those little dudes up. Which sucks because it becomes a never ending cycle. And that's just an example. I got other tasks that I think I'll never complete and until I do I'll never be take that annoying little thought off my head. I was thinking maybe I get to do these things on my vacations. But that's really long away from now. Plus by then I know I got other things I REALLY gotta do. So I can't be piling shit on top of shit. That just makes, say it with me,. A Huge Pile of SHIIEEE., So that's a no-go. Maybe just maybe this weekend I can get to work on these little craptastic tasks. So then and only then I can put them to rest.
I went to KFC and ate this huge Chicken Burger,. I think that might have been a bad move. Due to that I am now expressing all this. In other news. Today on my evening break I've decided to cut down on the cigarrett habit down to a 15% hahaha. It's just I'm doing way too much. I don't now wtf is up but, But I'm having this self concious panic attack which is not helping. Despite the celebrations which rock I'll do my best to overcome this time of the year and try to make a better habit of things. Cause right now, so far, I have not enjoyed my December. Maybe watching Fight Club I get some answers to these issues,. +.-

Imbicel at the wheel of my life

Yeah think about it,. so the person that writes and the one that lives the experiences are basically two different people,. although u could say the conscious or maybe perspective is the one that changes,. heh,. man im hungry,. oki so i found out today the xbox2 is around the corner,. sort of,. so is it wise to buy a ps2 so late? I think not, but im probably wrong,.

so as u've seen im in a terrible exam week and everything is going haywire [i dunno if thats how u spell it] and everything is gonna go more crazy in November cuz i start working! yay! so my next exam week is in the middle of my training which suckz,. but ill manage i thinkz,. anywayz as my life is now suddenly beginning and im still in a life block which makes me be very lame at making decisions,. like for a few weeks now i haven't been able to put my website up n' my novel is nowhere to restarting [it got deleted in a ugly ass scenario taken place in partition hell],. you see!? i lost my train of thought again,.

anywayz,. my main goal is to buy a car which would be my first car :) right now i think its gonna be a Mitsubishi Eclipse GSX. Second Generation of course,. cuz i love its design,. also to get my life up n running a laptop n some other stuff i need for my room,. hehe,. u can tell im a very materialistic dependent person,. haha,. its true,. but i needz what i needz,. man i hope i get good at saving money cuz if not its gonna be way hard to get to my goal,. oh well i just wanted to let u know what goes through in my mind,.

today in class [Derecho Constitucional] it was very lame i dislike my teacher like crazy, but oh well, I cant be ranting about every ignorant i meet,. :p ah well,. hopefully ill be audioblogging some insults from inside the classroom next time,. yay! to the power of technology!