I had an exit,.

Seems everyone has an out,.
Has it solved,.
This is my bid off this table,.

I bid my leave,.
Out we go,.

Close to a year away,.

I wish I was normal,. Must be nice,.

Jaded and Drained - Time for Priorities

I've lost my comfort zone. Work has been stable,. But other parts of my life keep causing me stress,. And I've gotten to a crossroad. To a place where I need to unload a lot of negative energy, items, practices, people and things that just simply get to me,. and let them disappear.

Sucks, you know, to feel your soul dragging a long. That's the only way I can explain how it feels. Like I wish I felt rested, with energy and a light soul,. Like I once was,. 

I know one thing that has made my 2016 go down hill. It's been the damn smoking. I mean I've always smoked cigarettes. But like a fool I let things get to me and my go to action was to chain smoke my way through the pain. And guess what, now my chest hurts,. So good going, Me,.

Need to pick up better habits. Not only lower the smoking significantly. But my health was left in pause. I need to continue with the health plan. I'm 18 pounds away to be under the 200's,. It's like the moment I got to 218 I turned off,. (That was my 100 pounds off celebration (highest weight was 318 (but who's keeping score, am I right?))).

So the plan is. Keep doing weights, but add cardio again to the plan. Cause I stopped cardio like a year ago. And that was a huge no no.

That and eat healthy (remove the flours, rice and drink lots of water again) should put us back in course.

It's just a goal I really need to fulfill (even-though I ignored it for the last 3 months). You probably do not understand how self-conscious I've been about my weight all my life.

Just to give you a small story that I have collected and kept stored in my bag of hurts,.

2000-2001,. 12th grade,. Class had just ended, everyone was leaving the classroom to go to break. I usually sat at the back. I really avoided attention from others, cause of being shy and shit, always feeling like an outsider.

So as I am collecting my stuff to get out of the class and meet my friends. A group of girls (classmates) that sat at the front of my class called me out,. The girl that did this was a girl I had a crush on at the time. Wendy was her name,. Out of the fucking blue and as random as it can sound. All of a sudden she shouts to me across the classroom,. "Hey Cesar, too bad,. If you would loose 50 pounds I'd go out with you,.",.

Now, I think to anyone with a healthy, stable grade of self-confidence. That would not affect them at all. But to me? That shit hurt. And that's just one of the many stories of the hundreds of experience I have were my weight precedes who I am,.

But enough of that,. I will not pick that wound further, this night,.

Like I said a few days ago,. I need to move forth,.

Something really special happened to me a few days ago,. something I thought I could not do or thought would happen,. I spoke to that girl that laughed at all my jokes,. Well, most,. Well,. we didn't speak,. I read her texts,. And from what I read she sounds like she's grown, evolved, on another level,. so that's good,. I'm happy for her,. And her words, as always appreciated did have a positive message,. So for that I'm happy,.

And that's saying a lot,. Cause lately my circles have left me drained,. feeling empty,. my mind jaded,. just lost and disgusted with their shitty ways,. Sucks feeling used,. It's crazy how it feels to know that other people do not make you feel this way,. That they genuinely care,.

My circles haven't been the best lately,. But I have not been a good person either,. far from it,.

So,. a genuine smile even if it's for a brief moment,. I'll take it,.

Back to basics,. that's what I'll do,. Since I've been eating like a fat man lately,. (thank you God for letting me not gain weight back even-though Ive made some truly asshole moves with foods lately,.)

I know,. Exercise and Eating well always get me back to a better me,. And the smoking has to stop,. And I mean cigarettes,. Cause I will not lie,. I have sparked some of the other stuff (Half Baked) for the past month,. But that's for another post,.

For now,. we rest and focus for this upcoming sunrise,.

Into the Darkness (We make our way),.

I make my way,.

I make my way down a tunnel of cold blue darkness. Within it's walls, I see images of what once was. Of who I once decided to be. Of who I became to please others, never myself. Instead, I left myself ignored. I made others happy,. but I drowned myself in one hundred percent loathing. I came to the conclusion that I was worth less than nothing.

And that made me who I am. Every second that passed. It made me more and more, this,. What I became.

A dark, sinful, sorrowful, disgusting human being.


I lied to myself. That I was getting out of this hole. That I was getting better. But I was not.

I let others shape me. Control me.

Although I do not doubt that they love me,. The words from friends, family and loved ones. stung a thousand times when they spoke of certain things about me.

It sounds dumb to most. But we all experience life and situations in different ways,.

Sadly,. and stupidly,. All I ever wanted was that,. To feel wanted,. And that will always be that spine stuck to my gut,. Always there,. Remembering me that I will never attain that,. That,. Which others were gifted in such random fashion,. A beautiful gift to experience in this life,. And they do not know how much they take that for granted,.

Tonight,. It was just a remembrance of that,. that I am more alone that I lead myself to realize.

And that, my beautiful stars,. is a fucked up feeling to discern,.


---------------------------------------- --- -- -


But I make my way,.

I make my way through this path,. It's the only path I know. And I have to make due with what I have,.

I need to remove so much toxic from my life,. So much toxic,.

My eyes see but do not clearly observe,. because my heart impedes it,. My ears hear but do not listen,. Because my mind ignores it,. My mouth?,. my mouth does not conjure words,. Because my soul is tired,. And dreams of something that will not come to pass,.

So naive,. :(

No matter what though,. we make our way,. through this tunnel we move forth,. In dark times we move forth,.

And on days I find the silence I read:

Psalm 23

A psalm of David,.

¹ The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
²     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
³     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

--------------------------------------- --- -- -

I promise I will do a happy post when I'm not intoxicated,.

Behind Smiles,.

So the last days of March are upon us. And with it comes uncertainty about my sanity. I remember, as a child I was a cool headed, centered minded, laid back soul. I was able to navigate between obstacles that did not affect my well being much. I was able to place my hope on my own hands and stir clear from those which could harm me. That right there though, was a blessing and a curse. Because even though I was saving myself from pain, I was also not learning how to manage it. I was not learning to be an adult.

So many things I have not learned yet when it comes to interpersonal relationships, confidence and the agility to face and make decisions based on principle, logic and thinking with my head, not with my sudden train of emotions,. We know I keep burning myself with the latter,.

And all because of a stupid obsession,. An obsession of something unattainable,. To make matters worse this affects me physically, emotionally, my time & financially. Because of the small sacrifices I make to keep something a float which is meant to dim,. if left alone,.

It's like I have not learned much at all. Because I should know better,. to look away and let go,. But my idle hands have been busy in the Devil's Playground. But this obsession has kept me pinned on a bad spot,.

I'm so tired of thinking so much,. Making shit up in my head,. Losing time over people that clearly do not make time for you,. I should know better,. because I was doing so well in being diligent with my own time and limiting others to my precious commodity. But I fell off,. I dropped guard,. I let someone in,. I let them play with my most sacred piece of me,. my battered heart,. I was an idiot for letting this happened,.

It happened before,. I let some one in,. I let them hold my heart and ignored as they slowly treated it without import,. Slowly scarring deep inside when I trusted them, needed them the most,.

And here we are again,. even though this was in no way as deep as my previous relationships. It currently gives me grief because it is the present I am living. It is the result of who I've been and the decisions I've made in the past year. It is the first time I let go after a very intense and most important relationship I've had in my life,. Sadly, also the relationship that brought me to my knees, the pain was hard to heal,. It took me to a place I thought I was not going to get out from,.

And here I am years later,. committing more mistakes,. racking up points of self-loath,.  It angers me and saddens me inside!,.

Now what do I do? Do I just accept the fact that this is not meant to be? I was meant to walk this earth stranded and alone?,. Sucks to be this way,. I wish genuinely I did not give a fuck about anyone,. That I could be an asshole, and not need any of this,. But we all want a little bit of happiness,.

Seether said it best,.

"Hold me now I need to feel complete

Like I matter to the one I need"

My time is up,. Good night Moon,. Guard me, hold me from a distance & take these thoughts away from here,.

Between Fears & Anxiousness

 The weekend passed me by like a breeze. Talking about breezes, I've loved the weather these last few days. It should be like this year round. Honestly, we should be farther away from the Sun more often,. 

So we are in "the" month,. That sweet month where everything is just a bit better, bitter & sweet. Some people really feel the season, others just wear a mask to make it through the day. Lots of changes ahead, this Season Finale is almost at hand,. My stuff is getting packed, the payments are planned. So we are almost there. Hopefully this will be all for the best. I'll post pic of the house once we get moving,. (this is me pretending,. this is all I need),. lol,.

A new chapter in this life is long over-due (not to say I need to forget,. ever,.),. I pretty much know that this month I'm gonna go head first into a lot of wrong decisions, just like November, which I topped my charts in over work and over partying (over partying: the act going out and getting shit wasted in a very small window of time, sleep a bit, get correct and back to the working grind, definitely, not recommended),. although last month was not planned, December I come into this month intentionally planning to celebrate, an attempt to disconnect and forget it all, at least for one moment,. But January, we start the Year of "Change" (if you remember this year was labeled The Year of "Exito",. but the words of Wisdom have christen 2016, already.

So change it is,. Ever seen Fight Club? When The Narrator moves with Tyler Durden and Fight Club is born then evolves to Project Mayhem? I'm basically getting that vibe now,. Except we are not going to perform anarchy,. maybe,. probably civil disobedience,. lol,. No,. we are going to be the good good guy,. trying to better ourselves,. period,. Note to self,. Need to bring my tickets down,. It's messing with other tasks,.

Alright world,. this me saying Good Night,.

Play,.

The Official 7 Cardinal Rules of Life:

1) Make peace with your past,.
So it won't screw up the present,.

2) What others think of you,.
Is none of your business,.

3) Time heals almost everything,.
Give it time,.

 4) Don't compare your life to others and don't judge them,.
You have no idea what their journey is all about,.

 5) Stop thinking too much, it's alright not to know the answers,.
They will come to you when you least expect it,.

6) No one is in charge of your happiness,.
Except you,.

7) Smile,.
You don't own all the problems in the world,.


I mention this because I will mention my personal rules on my next post,. but I have to say these are great words to live by as well,.

+.-

Grind On,.

It's been 3 long weeks,. I have been working non-stop for 21 days now (5 more to go). Weekends have been just more work days. I can't complain about my job, love it. It's hard, complex, requires analysis, attention, exhausting,. But gratifying. Nevertheless, I've dropped the ball in improving my health. But I will fight my way back,.

Just a pick me up. Words of Motivation,. Does anybody good,.

And,.

.my mess.

The grind continues,. Every day matters,.

Here,. so far away,.

Slept all evening during the rain. Now I can't fall back asleep. So I sit here back to the wall on my bed. And I can shake of the nerves of what is to come and if I'll make it to my goal (can't say just yet, cause I feel I'm close to jinxing the whole plan). Mid-November will define what I will focus on 2016. The struggle is real, real dumb. Wish I would've been given more time to prepare myself.

Also, I wish I would've kept my mouth shut to family and friends until I had confirmation. Tired of getting asked how my plans are going. I already have enough to worry about. It's been a year of somewhat-strict debt snowball recovery. Can't deny it though. After the first punch below the belt given on September. The word "despilfarro" comes to mind. Trying to forget, to not cry,.. So tired & stressed out,.. 

My hair is falling again, which is just adding to the negative feels. It's the dieting. But, we broke the long-standing plateau. I have up to now lost 83 pounds since my highest weight ever recorded. I just have to do half that again to be ok. Perseverance, bitches. At least sugar levels have improved, for the moment. But we have learned the struggle is real and only I understand what it's been and the road I have to take. Sitting idly by just amounts in fucking up you health. Anyways,.,.

I've alway been a night person,  but I really need to rest. Insomnia has me, but in order to learn new programming code I need to be in tune. To go to the gym, I need to feel energized. And to be positive, I need to continue receiving positive vibes. All hopes for the best. I'll try to catch some Z's again. Night world.

This is the tune of this scene,.,.

Dreams of Enthralling Danger,.

You know that feeling at the pit of your stomach, when you see someone or something that strikes you right at the core, someone or something you've held too much feels built up for. Those feelings, memories, thoughts are dormant, excluded from your day to day persona.

A sweet sense of "oh, shit,. this is not good...", a captivating discomfort, fear of facing that which you hold dear. Tender and sensitive armored by layers of protection, yet the danger of disruption seduces & amuses your deep thoughts.

The sweet safety of dreams. Ignorance, it is not so bliss when you think you've committed wrong decisions during a dream. Because sadly, you think you're causing havoc in more ways than one to your real life. Felt so so bad, yet, with a dash of pretty sweet to welcome trouble, even though it was all in my head.

Long day, but work is done, webinars complete, member's happy. It's time for the sun to drop and make way for a long night. The rain has accompanied during this session. But it's time to switch mode. I'll keep my thoughts close, as we watch the social fire dance commence.

On another topic (close but off). Last Wednesday night. Feeling that kept stuck in me, must be messed up trying hard to seduce someone, but they're stuck tripping a song off staring at the lights.
Well, I kind know how some of that kinda feels, lol, but that's something else entirely (looks away,.).

Jumping on random topics. I got too many drafts. Note to self's, I must publish, stick around and complete. Hopefully soon.

All in all, bottom line,. nothing can bring you happiness but yourself,. even if the week was a grind from hell.

On that note. Time to get up and get lost. tip of the hat. Good night world. Cue up the track. lol.

---------- ~+~ ----------

---------- ~+~ ----------

Fears met.

Well. Nothing like getting shot to shit by your own countrymen (you can't have nice things around those don't) . Just a bump on the road but, far away from stopping my resolve.

Kids, this is the reason you should aways have a Plan B. In fact, make sure to have that Plan C tucked away for a rainy day as well ;)

So we swallow our pride, dismiss those trying to bring us down and march on. This is not over. Not by a long shot.

Nervous.

I promised I was gonna write last weekend. But I had not taken into consideration that I would get lost in social gatherings Friday and Saturday night. Just, lost.

Observing others and their modus operandi.

This weekend I have to do O.T.  for a few hours to help @work. Easy piecy, lemon squizz..

The Subject on point though is my 7am meeting at the embassy tomorrow. I am nervous. So so nervous. Just hope all goes well. As this will define my plans for the end of this year and other upcoming plans on 2016.

Tonight I try to sleep. Tomorrow night, hopefully celebrate and introspect on & on & on.

I must (Time for a New Season)

It's as though I purposely kept myself away for so long. Trying to find the right words to express all that has happened in 2 years,. Insanely caught in a never-ending spiral drowning out my voice to keep my head in peace. Yet I never achieved it.

Peace, I never achieved it,.

I myself,. am still learning to find order out of my own being, where entropy truly reigns supreme. I've given up on promises to myself, as of this second i hold myself accomplice and co-conspirator of my own devices.

But that's not to say I wont push myself to what I know is a just reward for me and my loved ones. That would be furthest from the substance that allows my existence. I'll keep my course, head held high.

I can feel the flavor of sweet faith.

Had to write something,.

Very tired, just went through a lot of accounts, sites, files, plans, thoughts,. Organizing bit by bit, knowingly I should rest. Except that bug bit, you know, the one that heavily weighs-in your past laziness.The one that also keeps telling me I should get my ass ready for what is yet to come,. But enough, I did what I could for the past 2 hours. I must get some sort of rest as I gotta be back in my cube @ 5am,. Here we go again,. Haven't taken pills for my anxiety for the past month, doctor is gonna be mad. But I do not want to be taking anti-depressants anymore,. :) They SuXxOrS 100%,. Alright,. done with the non-sense

be good to yourself // walking a lonely road

Having the knowledge that something is always off. Being aware that despite you hold a clear image in your mind, words stumble when it's time to let it be known to others. I don't know about the rest of you, but I suffer immensely due to this miserable habit.
There are things about me that are just off when it comes to my persona. I'm not open to the rest, always to keep hidden some part of me. Prey to my own mind, tired of being judged, casualty of a never ending cycle of which I expect no one to assimilate. Some part of me just learned to be that way. After all the comments, the typical jokes, the tired old statements about my appearance. It is not easy to let go when you've been fed this odd reaction from those you see day to day or meet once in your life. There is truly nothing that can excuse me from being this way. But, on the other hand, I cannot fully explain why I am how I am,.

Talking to my psychiatrist & psychologist (that statement alone, clear sign there's an issue) I begin to understand further where my mind has ran off to (even though they sometimes may do it in a lecturing tone (which I hate)). Why I have fallen victim to this anxiety. Today I meditated and got some real answers from inside. But there is a long way from where I am, to where I want to be. All I can do is walk the path the best I can, hope for the best, and eventually leave behind that baggage that keeps holding me back.

actions follow belief,. I need belief,.

had a great dream yesterday, wished I was that me,. not the me I am now,.
wish I had that which I lack,.

Missing

Once again my timing and choice of words kill hope in a hopeless world,. I used to be such an optimist. And I would like to think my actions mean well. But yet again, here I stand loosing my sanity unable to grasp whom I hold dearest. Again I make fault on those who expect more from me. Again I disappoint whom I want the most in life for. Whom I only wish the best for. I'll never be more than the second option. Again, I wish you all the love you deserve. You are but one beautiful rose in a forsaken desolate world,.

Back 2 Square ONe

After a great weekend in Montecristo,. (wish I was still there,. the air up there is awesome) I've had a rough landing on the first few days of March (3rd Month of the year,. already?),. mainly due to the anxiety issues that cloud my head day in and day out,. Had a long chat with my doctor @ work and will also be having a few more chats along the way in the next few days,. Worst news I've had has been the fact that I'm pounds away from being exactly were I started dieting more than a year ago. Which basically could (and I could almost easily say is) the reason I'm so screwed up with these attacks,. But, there's no point retrospecting the same sad ol' story for the fiftieth damned time,.

So, I can only take it as it can only be seen,. A wake up call,.

And,. I would also like to comment on how much of a dumb-ass I was on not documenting the process I followed the first time dieted,. it's a bitch of a struggle having to remember what I did,. what worked and what didn't,. Regardless I gotta get back on the wagon A.S.A "fucken'" P!

Reflekt Feat Delline Bass - Need To Feel Loved (Adam K & Soha Remix)

One of those songs that lets me drift through the chaos of the day to day grind,. Just to close my eyes and fade away,. It's a great feeling to escape,. Wish we could do that so bad,.

Hope you get better sweets,. (My babygirl is sick),.

The video is a mashup from the movie It's all Gone Pete Tong, great marriage with this song, seeing as though the song is featured in the movie,. great flick,. So enjoy,. Headphones recommended,. :)

Eyes Wide Open, I'm dreamin',. +.-

Come and catch me baby, I'm falling
Come catch me, babe.
I'm fallin'.

Come and save me, baby.
I'm callin'.

Come and be with me, babe.
Come as you are.

Come catch a fire, babe.
Don't let me fade away.
Don't let me fade away.

Come catch a feelin'.
It's electrifyin' me.
Eyes wide open.
I'm dreamin'.

Free fallin' baby.
Awake before I'm back.
Free fallin' baby.
Awake before I'm back.
Awake before I'm back.
Awake before I'm back.
Awake before I'm back.
Awake before I'm back.

Come and touch me baby.
I need to be loved.
And come hold me babe.
I need to feel loved.
I need to feel loved.

And come catch a fire.
Don't let me fade away.
Come catch a fire, babe.
Don't let me fade away.
Come catch a feelin'.
It's electrifyin' me.
Eyes wide open.
I'm dreamin'.

Free fallin' baby.
Awake before I'm back.
Free fallin' baby.
Awake before I'm back.

Come and touch me, baby.
I need to be loved.
And come hold me babe.
I need to feel loved.

Come and touch me, baby.
I need to be loved.
And come hold me, babe.
I need to feel loved.
I need to feel loved.
I need to feel loved.
I need to feel loved.

Waiting on the stop light,. and a new year passes by,.

affection,. over & above my reason
to contemplate the discrete moments we share

luv u sweets,.

thanks for everything you've done,. you drive me to do more,. you've stood beside me through the good the bad and the ugly,. I can't describe how special you are to me,. I know I got my faults,. (you know that all too well),. But I do thank you for seeing past all that and being there for me,. Love you for who you are, and I find myself spending my time thinking about you, all the time,. To me, because of the rocking girl that you are, loving you comes naturally. We have good memories and so much more to come,.



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Now,

I do not claim to understand much of what life gives you. I can attest though that more often than not, bitter~sweet is the taste of what we go through in our daily grind.

Wait,. This may be an all-too-late good-bye to the old,. and let's see what the new calendar brings,. Type-post,.

But here I am,. half past January bleeding out words of regret of not saying anything at all,. (My sweets is on the other side of the phone line,. sleeping,. hopefully resting that complex mind of hers,.) I myself in need to type,. even if it's not much of anything or a lot of nothing. The main point of me bringing up this je ne sais quoi,. a fragment of whateverness if you will,. (god,.(that's another topic),. have I not overcome my mind's block throughout all these years?)

focus,.

<.<. breath .>.>

<.<. follow the breath .>.>

<ok,.>


What I wanted to say is,. Last year is gone, it had laughter and tears,. things were concluded and gaps were left,. I say let this year come as it may,. with it's tasks & distractions, celebrations & wounds,. What matters is live the days towards a better way,. love more,. feel more,. understand more,. 2011 is the year of the rabbit,. I say, Grab this rabbit year by the ears and make it your bitch,. Let the obstacles come and let's handle them,.

Night Angel's Lullaby /// December Go,.

I've never been much on new year's resolutions,.
I've never been much in keeping promises I make to myself,.
I find ways to run emotions to the floor until nothing goes through,.
But before I realize there's a lot I'm not gonna get to do,.
And the flow inside me as twisted and unfamiliar as it has become,.

Between you and I, let me leave this behind,.
The anger that's inside,. towards me and others for the lies,.
Kiss my girl GoodNight,. Turn around,. Close my eyes,.
To all those from whom you'll never be mentioned,.
I want you to know, every waking moment we loose time,.

I make my way in open arms aware I'm broken,.
Knowingly disregarding any attempt to halt this sensation,.
I don't feel right, Without boldness I'm not strong enough,.
But it is me who keeps me behind,.

The worst is not yet over for now,.
And I can't yet breath in harmony,.
I keep a vision of a destination,.
limited by my own confusion-made conviction,.

But it is here as I look into the mirror,.
were I disclose your demise,.
Even though you'll linger here as the days pass,.
Rest assure I've ruptured that which links us,.

But I know the truth now,.
I know who you are,.
You're not real, just a bad dream,.
This is my life,. finally on a road again,.

for I'm locked inside my head,.
in the cold,. retrospect,.

. . .

.