Jaded and Drained - Time for Priorities

I've lost my comfort zone. Work has been stable,. But other parts of my life keep causing me stress,. And I've gotten to a crossroad. To a place where I need to unload a lot of negative energy, items, practices, people and things that just simply get to me,. and let them disappear.

Sucks, you know, to feel your soul dragging a long. That's the only way I can explain how it feels. Like I wish I felt rested, with energy and a light soul,. Like I once was,. 

I know one thing that has made my 2016 go down hill. It's been the damn smoking. I mean I've always smoked cigarettes. But like a fool I let things get to me and my go to action was to chain smoke my way through the pain. And guess what, now my chest hurts,. So good going, Me,.

Need to pick up better habits. Not only lower the smoking significantly. But my health was left in pause. I need to continue with the health plan. I'm 18 pounds away to be under the 200's,. It's like the moment I got to 218 I turned off,. (That was my 100 pounds off celebration (highest weight was 318 (but who's keeping score, am I right?))).

So the plan is. Keep doing weights, but add cardio again to the plan. Cause I stopped cardio like a year ago. And that was a huge no no.

That and eat healthy (remove the flours, rice and drink lots of water again) should put us back in course.

It's just a goal I really need to fulfill (even-though I ignored it for the last 3 months). You probably do not understand how self-conscious I've been about my weight all my life.

Just to give you a small story that I have collected and kept stored in my bag of hurts,.

2000-2001,. 12th grade,. Class had just ended, everyone was leaving the classroom to go to break. I usually sat at the back. I really avoided attention from others, cause of being shy and shit, always feeling like an outsider.

So as I am collecting my stuff to get out of the class and meet my friends. A group of girls (classmates) that sat at the front of my class called me out,. The girl that did this was a girl I had a crush on at the time. Wendy was her name,. Out of the fucking blue and as random as it can sound. All of a sudden she shouts to me across the classroom,. "Hey Cesar, too bad,. If you would loose 50 pounds I'd go out with you,.",.

Now, I think to anyone with a healthy, stable grade of self-confidence. That would not affect them at all. But to me? That shit hurt. And that's just one of the many stories of the hundreds of experience I have were my weight precedes who I am,.

But enough of that,. I will not pick that wound further, this night,.

Like I said a few days ago,. I need to move forth,.

Something really special happened to me a few days ago,. something I thought I could not do or thought would happen,. I spoke to that girl that laughed at all my jokes,. Well, most,. Well,. we didn't speak,. I read her texts,. And from what I read she sounds like she's grown, evolved, on another level,. so that's good,. I'm happy for her,. And her words, as always appreciated did have a positive message,. So for that I'm happy,.

And that's saying a lot,. Cause lately my circles have left me drained,. feeling empty,. my mind jaded,. just lost and disgusted with their shitty ways,. Sucks feeling used,. It's crazy how it feels to know that other people do not make you feel this way,. That they genuinely care,.

My circles haven't been the best lately,. But I have not been a good person either,. far from it,.

So,. a genuine smile even if it's for a brief moment,. I'll take it,.

Back to basics,. that's what I'll do,. Since I've been eating like a fat man lately,. (thank you God for letting me not gain weight back even-though Ive made some truly asshole moves with foods lately,.)

I know,. Exercise and Eating well always get me back to a better me,. And the smoking has to stop,. And I mean cigarettes,. Cause I will not lie,. I have sparked some of the other stuff (Half Baked) for the past month,. But that's for another post,.

For now,. we rest and focus for this upcoming sunrise,.

Grind On,.

It's been 3 long weeks,. I have been working non-stop for 21 days now (5 more to go). Weekends have been just more work days. I can't complain about my job, love it. It's hard, complex, requires analysis, attention, exhausting,. But gratifying. Nevertheless, I've dropped the ball in improving my health. But I will fight my way back,.

Just a pick me up. Words of Motivation,. Does anybody good,.

And,.

.my mess.

The grind continues,. Every day matters,.

be good to yourself // walking a lonely road

Having the knowledge that something is always off. Being aware that despite you hold a clear image in your mind, words stumble when it's time to let it be known to others. I don't know about the rest of you, but I suffer immensely due to this miserable habit.
There are things about me that are just off when it comes to my persona. I'm not open to the rest, always to keep hidden some part of me. Prey to my own mind, tired of being judged, casualty of a never ending cycle of which I expect no one to assimilate. Some part of me just learned to be that way. After all the comments, the typical jokes, the tired old statements about my appearance. It is not easy to let go when you've been fed this odd reaction from those you see day to day or meet once in your life. There is truly nothing that can excuse me from being this way. But, on the other hand, I cannot fully explain why I am how I am,.

Talking to my psychiatrist & psychologist (that statement alone, clear sign there's an issue) I begin to understand further where my mind has ran off to (even though they sometimes may do it in a lecturing tone (which I hate)). Why I have fallen victim to this anxiety. Today I meditated and got some real answers from inside. But there is a long way from where I am, to where I want to be. All I can do is walk the path the best I can, hope for the best, and eventually leave behind that baggage that keeps holding me back.

actions follow belief,. I need belief,.

had a great dream yesterday, wished I was that me,. not the me I am now,.
wish I had that which I lack,.

Back 2 Square ONe

After a great weekend in Montecristo,. (wish I was still there,. the air up there is awesome) I've had a rough landing on the first few days of March (3rd Month of the year,. already?),. mainly due to the anxiety issues that cloud my head day in and day out,. Had a long chat with my doctor @ work and will also be having a few more chats along the way in the next few days,. Worst news I've had has been the fact that I'm pounds away from being exactly were I started dieting more than a year ago. Which basically could (and I could almost easily say is) the reason I'm so screwed up with these attacks,. But, there's no point retrospecting the same sad ol' story for the fiftieth damned time,.

So, I can only take it as it can only be seen,. A wake up call,.

And,. I would also like to comment on how much of a dumb-ass I was on not documenting the process I followed the first time dieted,. it's a bitch of a struggle having to remember what I did,. what worked and what didn't,. Regardless I gotta get back on the wagon A.S.A "fucken'" P!