Walking your path,.

Learning to cope,. hah,. oh God,. What is going on,. It's a roller coaster of a life, is it not? We just want someone to hold,. But at the same time, we want nothing at all,. Feels a little like loosing your identity,. Loosing your self,. or maybe not understanding who you've become or better yet,. Not at ease with you see staring back at you in the mirror,.

But,. enough of that,. this week will be different,. Or so I hope it'll be,.

Since things have been so hectic I shifted to composing music and learning Romanian, in my free time,. Also, I've been learning about Binary Options, which is a sort of method of investment where you speculate the futures of currency and what not,. It looks promising,. So on my off time I'll be investing some of my money on that and see how it goes,. So far the pros outweigh the cons. So it is worth a try,. It's time to go above and beyond the single source of income,.

So I've been talking to my friend, the plan to Romania is running smoothly,. In a way it is strange, because, he's the one that originated the plan. Yet has the hardest time now, since well,. he will have to leave his kid behind for sometime. Let the pieces fall as they may and the might be together soon, or not. So this is taking a toll on him.

Me on the other hand. I was positioned the plan, specially at a time where things where complicated (to the point I asked this dumb girl if she wanted to go (thank God my eyes were opened)). So at the time I was so damn hesitant about choosing the option of going. But then things turned upside down and all this I've gone through has just pushed me forward to that decision. I spoke to my parents and my mom said the best thing that she could've said, she said, "There is nothing here that is holding you back from taking that journey. Go and experience something different". For my mom to day it surprised me a lot. She is the type of mom that wants you close. But I guess she saw in me someone that needs something more, something else. It could be also because she and my dad went through Europe two years ago and were left awed,. I guess she wants the same thing for me.

Like I've said before and I'll say it again. People here are nice and all. But I've always felt out of place. Why? Because of all the places I've live, this is the only place where I see people so caged within themselves, so much taboo, "what are people going to say", damn honestly what I've experiences in this country made me so self-conscious to a certain point, callado mas bointo, no? haha,. No, I do not like that about this place,. :p Never will,. There's nice good people out there,.
But,. ah well,.

All I know is that I am looking forward to letting go of all,. Socarla and live on my own means on the other side of the world,. Away from any roots,. Away from anyone that undervalued my love in this place,. And lets see how I am developed based on those conditions,.  Well,. falta,. still money to save, things to do, people to talk to,. But like I said, at first I was adamant about all this,. Now I want it more than anything,.

Here,. so far away,.

Slept all evening during the rain. Now I can't fall back asleep. So I sit here back to the wall on my bed. And I can shake of the nerves of what is to come and if I'll make it to my goal (can't say just yet, cause I feel I'm close to jinxing the whole plan). Mid-November will define what I will focus on 2016. The struggle is real, real dumb. Wish I would've been given more time to prepare myself.

Also, I wish I would've kept my mouth shut to family and friends until I had confirmation. Tired of getting asked how my plans are going. I already have enough to worry about. It's been a year of somewhat-strict debt snowball recovery. Can't deny it though. After the first punch below the belt given on September. The word "despilfarro" comes to mind. Trying to forget, to not cry,.. So tired & stressed out,.. 

My hair is falling again, which is just adding to the negative feels. It's the dieting. But, we broke the long-standing plateau. I have up to now lost 83 pounds since my highest weight ever recorded. I just have to do half that again to be ok. Perseverance, bitches. At least sugar levels have improved, for the moment. But we have learned the struggle is real and only I understand what it's been and the road I have to take. Sitting idly by just amounts in fucking up you health. Anyways,.,.

I've alway been a night person,  but I really need to rest. Insomnia has me, but in order to learn new programming code I need to be in tune. To go to the gym, I need to feel energized. And to be positive, I need to continue receiving positive vibes. All hopes for the best. I'll try to catch some Z's again. Night world.

This is the tune of this scene,.,.

Nervous.

I promised I was gonna write last weekend. But I had not taken into consideration that I would get lost in social gatherings Friday and Saturday night. Just, lost.

Observing others and their modus operandi.

This weekend I have to do O.T.  for a few hours to help @work. Easy piecy, lemon squizz..

The Subject on point though is my 7am meeting at the embassy tomorrow. I am nervous. So so nervous. Just hope all goes well. As this will define my plans for the end of this year and other upcoming plans on 2016.

Tonight I try to sleep. Tomorrow night, hopefully celebrate and introspect on & on & on.