on Black Hole Sun

Chris Cornell defined this song as being open to interpretation as there is no overall theme throughout the song, “a picture painted with words”, he said,.

To me, it speaks of the dark shadow that dwells inside of all of us. The many masks we use from day to day, hiding some parts of who we really are, those parts we wouldn't ever want others to know,.

To me, it appears the songs shares the perspicacity of what this dark shadow is (in all of us) and the disgust of facing that part of yourself,.

The understanding of how uncomfortable it is, being exposed to others under such light. Or even worst, having that which you dislike of yourself, in the mirror, staring back at you,.

The protagonist asks for a reset. To the way things were, when one was pure, untarnished by what humanity is and makes you become.

At least that's my take on it,.

Ferro,.

Well,. I tend to go off the reserve quite easily,.

And I come back when I am at my most procrastinating state.

Just wanted to leave this gem here,.

" Number One,. That is who we are looking out for,. "
" I am here to motivate myself,. Not others ",.
" If the advise I am giving myself helps you,. Then good for you,. "

 Maybe this way I can stop caring about people that do not deserve it,.

Anyways,. carry on,.

Just before I sleep,.

Well, the idea is to go to sleep,. but before I do,. Just a few thoughts I had today,.

- I should stayed quiet about the dream I had over the weekend,. It was Ok,. but not what I want,.
- On the other hand,. I enjoyed the dream I had yesterday,. Something impossible happened,. made me happy,. don't want to forget that feeling,.  Except the ending sucked,.
- Really need to clear my head,. Not easy apparently,.
- Binary Investing and Updating the site come to play now,.
- New headphones needed,. Exercise is boring without them,.
- Get everyone out of my head,. So I can let them go,.

First day without a cigarette complete,. Time to do it again,. yay,.

?_?

Under the Storm /// And here we are,.

Oh how time ticks,. oh how it also tocks,.

I heard a really good quote from Penn & Teller earlier today,.

You don't heal a broken heart by pretending is not broken,.

 The more I discern the phrase,. the more it made sense,. And I came to the conclusion (an answer I know is there, but oh,. how do I not wish to accept ((denial)) I am looking at my recent problems all wrong,.

I got so stuck trying to control every aspect of life,. I turned into this loc'ed mad man,. But the last week or two I've really taken the time to space out a little bit. Although <----- nbsp="" p="" unifished="" word="">
(I stopped and left this post as a draft. I left 2 days, I don't remember really what stopped me from continuing what I was writing above. But I can tell you this,. I promise I wont disappoint by not finishing my thoughts this time around.

First I will list the things I'll talk about,.

What I've been up to,.
My Keyboard,.
My Vices,.
My Outlook on life,.

What I've been up to,.

Basically these last two weeks I've focused on work. Outside of work, my life has been a bit monotonous. Basically, my bedroom triples as a,. well,. bedroom,. living room & workplace,.

I do have have my little moments outside of my room from time to time, I  sometimes go to the park or run errands or go out with my brothers or my friends, but in the end, I end up here.

 Thus making the experience of life overall a bit claustrophobious (AND YES I KNOW THAT WORD DOES NOT EXIST, DON'T KNOW IF I'M COINING THE TERM, BUT THAT IS THAT).

My KEyBoArD

On other news,... Well,. let me set the scene first,. This a bit technical,. I love notebooks. Yes I do,. I mainly use a notebook when two things happen. I'm working on personal stuff or I really needed to get out of the house and I'm traveling. That is it. Besides that, you will not find me working on a notebook / laptop ever,. I hope I am true to my word there.

The point is I love my desktop. I love working on a desktop. I love having a real work space. And enjoy the power, performance and efficiency that a desktop may give you. 

On that note, let me just note one thing I have loved about a notebook that I have yet to enjoy on a desktop. A notebooks keyboard feels really good to type on. Whereas I have always not cared much about upgrading the low-end keyboards I've used with the desktop computers I've built.

But I noticed something. I didn't want to work much because my hands are always hurting. I honestly put that pain in the back of my mind and dismissed as me being lazy. I honestly thought that my body was making excuses to not work. I don't know if it is because I've been mostly by myself (total loneliness, even caught myself talking to myself out loud) this past month. And I'm pretty sure this (being alone) and an herb I've been toking lately (yes I own a pipe) have made me awfully aware of my body. Since we are in the topic of my keyboard, I'll limit myself on letting you know that the pain I'm still talking about is my hands.

So this pain, which I thought was laziness, gained my attention slowly but surely this past month. To the point I said,. "Fuck It, could it be the keyboard?". So I sat there at my desk analyzing the situation. I leaned very closely to keyboard and observed the motion of the keys as I slowly pressed those buttons, I began to noticed how shitty, swampy, muddy the keys felt. I noticed that the layout on my desktop for the keyboard and mouse, made the position I sat uncomfortable. Made me noticed that the number keypad was an obstruction and caused my mouse to be far apart from the letters in my keyboard. Thus making my movements during the day slowly cause pain to hands.

Believe, this makes sennse when you spend from 8 to 11 hours on your desk typing away.

My conclusion was,. "Well, It's time we do some research on a new keyboard."

My first thought was to jump in mthe car head over to X computer shop and buy a decent keyboard.

But then as I researched further, through Amazon and YouTube videos. I noticed that there was cheap mechanical keyboards out there. I mean they are not that cheap. But they do not get to the level of making you feel bad for spending so much money on a Keyboard.


So I locked in to an specific model I wanted. Which is the Magicforce68 (Tenkeyless, meaning it does not have a NumKey Pad. And I chose the model with Khail blues, which mimics the behavior of Cherry MX blue switches.

I ordered it from amazon and took a week to get to my hands (Great job Amazon and AeroPost). Total price after Shipping & Handling. - $82.00

I got it this last Friday and was really excited (you know this is a special moment when you have a boring life, lol). So I came back to my room and immediately chucked the old keyboard out of the way and hooked up the new keyboard. And oh my smile when I saw it light up. But better yet. I fired up the work platform and I cant tell you the joy I felt typing the rest of the day.

The switches are amazing, your finger makes love to that key when pressed. The back-lit is strong and so helpful, it really helps when seeing the keys (less eye strain), back lit is so good though, that I have it dialed two levels down from max level. No one needs that much light, lol.

I have to say, I am really happy. because I have come to realize that sometimes we ignore the little things. This was not about making a purchase because of the love of material things. In fact, I have not purchase anything material for myself in quite a long time. Those little things we ignore sometimes,.. Sometimes paying attention and doing something about my help on the long run.


Just wanted to share a simple action from someone who's nobody and decided to do this one thing on day. And how it went well for him.

Here is the keyboard by the way:

I know my current camera sucks,. but,. deal with it,.

My Vices,.

Food/Sugar Alcohol/Tobacco,.

This could be a long rant,.

I wont look to the past on this or it will expand the length of this post. And after that keyboard story. I really enjoyed typing that, by the way, but still. The train of thought decides how long we should go.

Food / Sugar

Young me had a problem with this. Sadly pre-teen, teen and young adult me did not know how to cope with depression and made food and whole-day sleeping their escape routes. I ate away my whole childhood and slept away all my sadness (come to find it is not so easy to let go that way).

I'm working on it. If we lost 100 pounds, what are a few more,. We'll get there. 

I think I got this down. I eat decent now,. So this is a non-issue,. Except just focusing on having at least 1% likeness to an athletic body, haha. So that requires exercise. But for now walking is enough. For now,. This is due to my other issue,.

Alcohol/Tobacco

These have been older/present me problems. Alcohol not so much lately. Although I did noticed how much of an asshole I've become the past few times I've been drunk. But that was due to personal issues. This is currently in progress. So let's leave it at that.

Tobacco,.

This is numero uno. My current adversary. Above everything, this is my current problem.

My letter to Tobacco:

Dear Friend,

I know you've been there in my toughest times,

You've helped me escape from my emotional pain,.

When the night was at it's darkest, 

you gave be a small red light to contemplate,.

I am grateful for those moments,

From those moments I learned,.

The smoke clouded the the bad thoughts away,

But now you've taken the wrong place,.

You've replaced emotion for physical,

My Pain and who I am, a result of this,.

 So friend please, disern my words,

I need you to leave,.

I'm speaking the truth, I am speaking my heart. Those that do not know a vice which becomes and addiction that goes and directly becomes a threat to your life. And despite knowing that fact you continue to let it run your life,. Have no idea of what those words above signify to those who have lost that battle for so long.

Understand this. For the past month I'm smoking two packs a day. I understand my problem all too well.

So we'll take it one day at a time.

My Outlook on life,.

I'm still lost on what will happen next. I currently expect nothing from anybody. But my problem is,. I'll still help those who ask. I guess at this moment I am just waiting.

I'm just waiting for people to slip, just enough,.
Just enough for me to find the courage and strength to say, "no more",.

My problem has always been not saying "no",. I try to make everyone happy, I crave for being accepted. I need to be noticed and I don't mean this in a narcissistic way, I mean, I need for those that mean something to me to return that affection,. That is always a let-down,. I feel I give so much,.
But the moment you do that, people expect it from you, always. And since they have accustomed to your behavioral pattern, they don't care the way they treat you.

No wonder good guys are always at the back of the line. And true douche-bags are always the twinkle in a woman's eye.

So yeah, I have no dog in this fight, just yet.
I just know I've become desensitized to the word love again,.

Everything else looks bright. Me works, Me gets moneys, Me pays our debts and Me looks to invest. That's the focus now. To make way for a better future. Not for just Me,. but for my family & friends and whoever comes next,.

Loved to type all this non-sense,. Should write a book,. But I have having to fix the syntax on conversations,. blah,.

I'm out. Peace, bitches,.

Behind Smiles,.

So the last days of March are upon us. And with it comes uncertainty about my sanity. I remember, as a child I was a cool headed, centered minded, laid back soul. I was able to navigate between obstacles that did not affect my well being much. I was able to place my hope on my own hands and stir clear from those which could harm me. That right there though, was a blessing and a curse. Because even though I was saving myself from pain, I was also not learning how to manage it. I was not learning to be an adult.

So many things I have not learned yet when it comes to interpersonal relationships, confidence and the agility to face and make decisions based on principle, logic and thinking with my head, not with my sudden train of emotions,. We know I keep burning myself with the latter,.

And all because of a stupid obsession,. An obsession of something unattainable,. To make matters worse this affects me physically, emotionally, my time & financially. Because of the small sacrifices I make to keep something a float which is meant to dim,. if left alone,.

It's like I have not learned much at all. Because I should know better,. to look away and let go,. But my idle hands have been busy in the Devil's Playground. But this obsession has kept me pinned on a bad spot,.

I'm so tired of thinking so much,. Making shit up in my head,. Losing time over people that clearly do not make time for you,. I should know better,. because I was doing so well in being diligent with my own time and limiting others to my precious commodity. But I fell off,. I dropped guard,. I let someone in,. I let them play with my most sacred piece of me,. my battered heart,. I was an idiot for letting this happened,.

It happened before,. I let some one in,. I let them hold my heart and ignored as they slowly treated it without import,. Slowly scarring deep inside when I trusted them, needed them the most,.

And here we are again,. even though this was in no way as deep as my previous relationships. It currently gives me grief because it is the present I am living. It is the result of who I've been and the decisions I've made in the past year. It is the first time I let go after a very intense and most important relationship I've had in my life,. Sadly, also the relationship that brought me to my knees, the pain was hard to heal,. It took me to a place I thought I was not going to get out from,.

And here I am years later,. committing more mistakes,. racking up points of self-loath,.  It angers me and saddens me inside!,.

Now what do I do? Do I just accept the fact that this is not meant to be? I was meant to walk this earth stranded and alone?,. Sucks to be this way,. I wish genuinely I did not give a fuck about anyone,. That I could be an asshole, and not need any of this,. But we all want a little bit of happiness,.

Seether said it best,.

"Hold me now I need to feel complete

Like I matter to the one I need"

My time is up,. Good night Moon,. Guard me, hold me from a distance & take these thoughts away from here,.

Wrong path,.

I shouldn't be where I am right now. I should know better. I should get up and get out. I got gym at 5am in my head. But here I lay. Wasting time and empathy where it's not due.

Where I should not be...

There's nothing for me here,. But a path that leads to suffering, and my heart should know better,. we are done with such things.

Not the usual Roster,.

What a week and weekend that was,. It ends with being told,. "Start packing Today", what could possibly be next? All I know is I'm exhausted, last week was heavy, Doc (LoL). Work was busy,. but about about that will be out soon (Not to Self - Analogy) Friday I went out be myself, took a ride to space out, but unlike any other time I do this, I decided to change my course. Where I found two friends I know that do not like each other so much. Nevertheless, the night went fine as I juggled each interaction with a swift skill of sleight of hand misdirection. Well, one them was bound to be somewhat upset by the end of the night. But like I've said before, I know those intentions (from both),. So no pain on my end,. Ended up going where I should not go and we fell asleep watching a scary movie,. didn't even see a minute of the movie, as we passed out after pressing play, which was funny.

Woke up at 11am the next day, fresh and re-freshed. And made our way out as I still had to work and she had her own things to do (it was my designated work weekend). Except we passed by the super-market, and this is where it hit me, it is interesting to go to places you normally go, but with people you don't go normally with. It just fucks up so much with your habitual way of doing things, entertaining but temporarily. 

So we made our way to her end of the road, then made my way home to grind work for the rest of the day. Which I do not know how I to describe such a horrible experience. I love to work, but work early and the be free the rest of the day. I do not. Let me repeat. I DO NOT,... Like to waste the earlier part of the day and work the afternoon forward. It is not my cup of Tea. But like an old wise woman that I used to know once said, "Despues del gustazo, esta el trancazo" (Only way I see this being translated is "Time to pay the Piper". As I paid for that all night tune the piper played),.

I'm too tired to go on,. So my weekend rant ends here. It is midnight and my eyes are dry, my mind needs to shut down. I'll get to Sunday, my analogy on tickets at wor and Star Wars tomorrow.

Night World,.

Between Fears & Anxiousness

 The weekend passed me by like a breeze. Talking about breezes, I've loved the weather these last few days. It should be like this year round. Honestly, we should be farther away from the Sun more often,. 

So we are in "the" month,. That sweet month where everything is just a bit better, bitter & sweet. Some people really feel the season, others just wear a mask to make it through the day. Lots of changes ahead, this Season Finale is almost at hand,. My stuff is getting packed, the payments are planned. So we are almost there. Hopefully this will be all for the best. I'll post pic of the house once we get moving,. (this is me pretending,. this is all I need),. lol,.

A new chapter in this life is long over-due (not to say I need to forget,. ever,.),. I pretty much know that this month I'm gonna go head first into a lot of wrong decisions, just like November, which I topped my charts in over work and over partying (over partying: the act going out and getting shit wasted in a very small window of time, sleep a bit, get correct and back to the working grind, definitely, not recommended),. although last month was not planned, December I come into this month intentionally planning to celebrate, an attempt to disconnect and forget it all, at least for one moment,. But January, we start the Year of "Change" (if you remember this year was labeled The Year of "Exito",. but the words of Wisdom have christen 2016, already.

So change it is,. Ever seen Fight Club? When The Narrator moves with Tyler Durden and Fight Club is born then evolves to Project Mayhem? I'm basically getting that vibe now,. Except we are not going to perform anarchy,. maybe,. probably civil disobedience,. lol,. No,. we are going to be the good good guy,. trying to better ourselves,. period,. Note to self,. Need to bring my tickets down,. It's messing with other tasks,.

Alright world,. this me saying Good Night,.

Play,.

The Official 7 Cardinal Rules of Life:

1) Make peace with your past,.
So it won't screw up the present,.

2) What others think of you,.
Is none of your business,.

3) Time heals almost everything,.
Give it time,.

 4) Don't compare your life to others and don't judge them,.
You have no idea what their journey is all about,.

 5) Stop thinking too much, it's alright not to know the answers,.
They will come to you when you least expect it,.

6) No one is in charge of your happiness,.
Except you,.

7) Smile,.
You don't own all the problems in the world,.


I mention this because I will mention my personal rules on my next post,. but I have to say these are great words to live by as well,.

+.-

Beyond Fight or Flight,.

I've been sitting @ Starbucks close to 9 hours now. Doing that thing I'm responsible of. Sipping on some Spearmint Green Tea as chaos unfolds on my display. The end of the month just passed and with it comes a wave of tickets in need of assistance. So one by one, I spread knowledge on my victims, making their doubts cease to exist. Hit after hit, I slash with wisdom, I hack seeding information, my foes decrease in formation. But after the clouds of debris settle. I find myself exhausted, but losing my train of thought, slowly decreasing my attacks.

Annnd,. lol,. my inspiration of my day to day (good ol' work) has now subside. For I will get out of Starbucks and have drinks with my friends,.

I'll pick this up later,. Evening world,. cheers,.

To be concluded,.

Strangest November Ever,.

Well, both this year's and last years have been strange,. In very different ways,.

But, this is the last Sunday of the Month,. Only Sunday I rested. Which is was,. oh so lovely,. I wonder what it would be to completely disconnect. As I could not stop thinking of picking up the mobile, or checking Social Networks,. but I limited myself to a bare minimum,. I cannot describe how tired I've felt,. Was it worth it? Yes,. most definitely it was,. I don't think anyone can save me from myself when it comes to changing my mind from think I have I have to do, what I need to do,. I don't know if I mentioned it before (signs of this daily hustle I've been on,.) but I got a shiny new promotion and a raise at work (still adding it for Timeline/Archive purposes ),. You can call yourself Senior now :),. Yes,. working from 9am to 3am without weekends was worth it,.

During the middle of the Month I made probably the biggest mistake of the year (Make note of this and come back and read next July),. So I grew my hair long this year. But I grew tired of seeing how much hair I lost. I mean, It messes psychologically with you, the fact you wake up there's hair on the bed, you take a bath and theirs dozens on our hand. You freaking hair everywhere, not staying on your freaking head ( I'm thinking this is also all the October / November stress I was on ). Anyways, I got tired of that and in a move of adulterated impulse, I shaved my head. Lo & behold, I immediately regretted my decision, which was pretty damn funny. But nothing was as worst as the backlash I got from my family, friends (both male and females), as to why I cut my hair, that the long hair was the much better route. So here I sit, growing my hair now. I was funny though,. But it's OK, just part of the process,. the seasons, need chaotic changes still, looks evolve,. So new tattoos once I hit milestones,. just putting it out there,.


I made a new friend 2 weekends ago (that insane weekend (I did make some room to socialize, I was tired)),. She asked me why I felt so adamantly of not being in a relationship? And that question still hits me right in the gut. My answer remains the same, I'm full of faults, so not being enough for someone affects directly my self-esteem,. I'm really good at certain things, but being in a relationship is not one of them,. I'm a patient person, but that gets mistaken as a weakness, just as my kindness (that is more of a general issue, than intimate),. I have no time for B-Class love. It's not that I don't believe in love. It's just that at this moment, I don't think believe love for me exists, in their eyes and words that slither from their mouths I see and hear other things exist (interest, sex, money, alcohol, partying) but not love.  Sadly, I might die alone,. So I walk this road with friends & family,. Until there are none or until the end of my time separates me from them,.

How'd you like that sack of pain I carry,? lol,. Yep, she did not like my answer,. But I rather push people away (she just called, it's 11.30pm and I did not pick up (please go)) than waste my time. It's the only thing I've borrowed and I can't replace. None of us can,.

But I'm working on myself,. like I say in every post,. haha,. December is upon us,. and changes are coming faster that I can plan them. Traveling is a major part of this coming year,. Moving to a special place is too,. away from it all,. So apart from work,. I plan to focus on music,. writing (hopefully) and last but not least The Project Site (which is still mocked up, but we have really high-end prospects interested (so I need to focus on working on that (above anything else (meaning I need to cut the bullshit because there is a lot of grinding ahead)))),. The things only I get excited about,. lol,.

Aaaaaanyways,. My Sunday is now over, I had my fun, I tried relaxing, saw a movie with my brother,. I played The Last of Us for a sweet amount of time (you have to love multiplayer names with audio chat) , had great food, heard great music,. Now I'm off to check my Google Spreadsheets (Tip 24720: Budget),.

Good Night, Moon,. Thank you for the company,.

Kiss Goodbye,.

We have overcome the Craziness of November, unscathed? Not by a long shot. But we did work our asses off and played a little bit too hard to celebrate the end of that whole mess,. A couple of good bad decisions I was not prepared for, and twice, so shame on me,. After all that hectic mind crunch, my idle hands go the best of me,.

Close to the last month of "El año del Éxito",. Lots of changes to come this month,. It's the next level of this plan to move forth and to prove myself how far I can go,. Also, I'll be streaming when I played The Last of Us, as I was suggested to do, well, this way I can share how freaking awesome I am ;) (every once in a while),. So I might be on there, Weekday evenings and Weekend afternoon,. As long as I'm not coding, mixing or writing some mess,.

But this is not the time or the place to post. Plus, I have some many things in draft, that I have to punish myself. On top of that I'm tired.

So this sound contrasts the chaotic mess that my life is & other thoughts of the past I'll keep close to my chest,. *enough*,.,.,.




And with the last blow of smoke, I bid my leave & fade away. Night world,.

Fear,. (This may escalate rather quickly)

--------------------------------- + ---------------------------------

fear

ˈfir/

noun

1. 1.

   an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

   
   

verb

1. 1.

   be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.

--------------------------------- + ---------------------------------

Some of my fears,. 

Speaking in public,. being singled out,. dancing (lol, true, even though I like to, but feel horrible at it),. small talk with strangers,. loosing loved ones,. heights,. being buried alive,. floating in large bodies of water,. becoming too angry causing irreparable damage (this may happen exploding on the spot or implosive, justifying actions of something wrong I could do). Fear of being touched (for personal reasons), fainting (Anxiety-wise), failure (also an anxiety issue), eye contact (unless I know you, (or at least I think I do)), women,. love,. relationships,. opening my heart,. being myself in front of others,. Sadly, what other's think,. Rejection,. Being cheated on,. Not being enough,. 

That said,. 

It's oh so hypocritical, but I now know, without a single shadow of a doubt that what I want, or was looking for,.  Does not exist in this world,. [Raise that whiskey,.] Here's to all the "truths" that hide all the lies. 

Here's the rant. 

For so long I'm not looking, I left it all behind, I look out for myself, my immediate family, my closest friends,. The rest can get the fuck out. Why don't I let anyone near? Cause the more I listen to people speak the more I realize how full of shit they are. How two-face everyone is. How double standards play a primary role in this game. The more people I meet, the more girls/women I talk to, the more I feel I belong elsewhere. Women here have an agenda, a train of thought I don't even begin to understand and requirements I do not meet, nor wish to do so, at least not for them.

The more I listen to some "friends" of mine, the more I see them for what they truly are, fucking passive-haters, desiring for you to not succeed, as last not beyond them, because they always have to be better than you, one way or another. Can't be happy for my success? And call me out for my physical appearance? For the fact I am no "ladies man"? Cause that is all you have to bring me down, and sadly you know it. And yes, it works. 

I'll shut up now, too much info. 


All I'l say is this,

I'll keep walking my path, I'm no saint, definitely not perfect, no role model, pretty sure I'm a sinner. Doing wrong on a daily basis. I wear a mask, because I can't express myself unless I do. And the rejection, is too damn high. Who knows it? I know it.

But maybe for the first time in my life, I understand that my fears make me who I am. My pain, molds me as I grow. The torments I have within myself affect the perception I have about everything. It's expressed in my writing, my music, my drawings, my photography.

So, my path is there for me to walk, head on with a with a few daily fears, not running away from them, other's will take a long time for me to challenge them again. Not ready to believe in love. It's a myth. Plus I have not time for that. I'm barely learning to love myself just yet, honest to God, I am trying. Hopefully, one day I'll look in the mirror and stop wishing to be the person I see and actually be more than that.

But enough about stupid rants,. 
I'll look back to this and say. Oh damn,. that broken soul was a mess, and hopefully laugh,.

Well, for now, It's too late, I was looking for the words to vent and I'm glad I did. Cause I needed to so bad and like always no one to talk to about it. But this is something I wouldn't like to discuss, let go of my thoughts, period.

So back to bed, for now. 

I put my mask back on,

I smile, :) & whisper, "Night, World.",.

Like Icarus,.

Light up one,.

Hey there,

It's been two crazy weeks. In the cycle of things (as in sometimes your on point and sometimes you hit yourself on every corner you turn), I've been slowly gliding downwards these two weeks, trying to pick myself back up. Exhaustion has been on going right after work,. Sudden drowsiness when it's time to code. Not much feelings to do much, even though I've been wasting my time doing bad decisions. My own to keep,.

I've also thought on things to post,. cause it's things I want to look back and remember (if I ever walk down this road of posts in the future). But time has been an asset I have very little of.

Tomorrow ends the work week, the dilemma is I have to O.T. the weekend (team rotates O.T on weekends, O.T. = more money = shorter weekend). Hope I can fit in a good ol' mind disconnect. And what works for that is to take a trip, alone, no family, no friends, just disappear to a place you can rest, away from it all. Hopefully I'll be able to run away tomorrow, need to rest/reset.

So for now, see you around, World.

Cue that sweet sound,.
 


Fun Fact: Why do I post a song on most of my posts?

I tend to pick a song that I've been listening to lately. I set it to repeat on and then start writing my post. So whatever I write tends to blend with what I'm listening. Just helps me put my thoughts in order. So if ever read, it's suggested to set play. Just for ambient purposes.

Alright, enough about that.

World, here is wishing you sweet dreams,.

Here,. so far away,.

Slept all evening during the rain. Now I can't fall back asleep. So I sit here back to the wall on my bed. And I can shake of the nerves of what is to come and if I'll make it to my goal (can't say just yet, cause I feel I'm close to jinxing the whole plan). Mid-November will define what I will focus on 2016. The struggle is real, real dumb. Wish I would've been given more time to prepare myself.

Also, I wish I would've kept my mouth shut to family and friends until I had confirmation. Tired of getting asked how my plans are going. I already have enough to worry about. It's been a year of somewhat-strict debt snowball recovery. Can't deny it though. After the first punch below the belt given on September. The word "despilfarro" comes to mind. Trying to forget, to not cry,.. So tired & stressed out,.. 

My hair is falling again, which is just adding to the negative feels. It's the dieting. But, we broke the long-standing plateau. I have up to now lost 83 pounds since my highest weight ever recorded. I just have to do half that again to be ok. Perseverance, bitches. At least sugar levels have improved, for the moment. But we have learned the struggle is real and only I understand what it's been and the road I have to take. Sitting idly by just amounts in fucking up you health. Anyways,.,.

I've alway been a night person,  but I really need to rest. Insomnia has me, but in order to learn new programming code I need to be in tune. To go to the gym, I need to feel energized. And to be positive, I need to continue receiving positive vibes. All hopes for the best. I'll try to catch some Z's again. Night world.

This is the tune of this scene,.,.

Dangerous Type.

Mixed feelings about eveything that has crossed my mind today. I consider being an optimist more often than not. But today,. Jeez fuckn' Louise. Still trying to phase out the little number I was given this morning.

That aside. O.T. was chill. Worked a few tickets and screencasts, putting on the support hat and mask people love. Bought a mobo for the macbook pro to improve dev. (Damn purchase was induced by the morning's shitty feels). So the hell with it. let's fix it now.

Almost finished watching The Walking Dead Season 3 (keeping in mind, I already saw all 5 current seasons, but what a story and characters). Strange to feel I can relate to that psyche more than normal life.

After OT and TWD. I did was next to impossible since for years. Took an afternoon nap. Which did help somehow. But now it starts, I didn't go out Friday night (cause I needed to wake up early), the urge magnifies, and frantically consumes my chill state. It's time to breath the night's air. Time to go for a little ride. This could get ugly.

Still have some drafts to publish about other things going on. Hopefully me, myself and my dark passenger (that guy that makes me do stuff) get through those bits and pieces soon.

Fears met.

Well. Nothing like getting shot to shit by your own countrymen (you can't have nice things around those don't) . Just a bump on the road but, far away from stopping my resolve.

Kids, this is the reason you should aways have a Plan B. In fact, make sure to have that Plan C tucked away for a rainy day as well ;)

So we swallow our pride, dismiss those trying to bring us down and march on. This is not over. Not by a long shot.

Short Stop.

 << - ---------  +  --------- - >>

It's been a hectic month since my last post,. (as always, consistency, one of my areas of improvement),.

Been busy getting things in order, connecting bridges, burning others. Opening doors for those I see fit and closing others that I have no reason to keep open. My job? Demanding, it takes time I could use to build other projects, but that is life. No other way about it. No time for those that demand too much of it and are never satisfied.

So some of my plans are on hold, until further notice. But great milestones are nearing ahead (as long as I keep my ducks in line and walking. Walk bitches,.).

Off-Topic (With a point in the end, I promise.) - The 1st of January, I went out with a few friends, after the New Years celebration with the family, we ended joining some folks @ Paseo El Carmen. One of my friend's acquaintance blurted out this little gem, -"este año, es el año del exito" and those of us who were there at the time laughed, it was funny cause he was drunk and the guy is one of the strangest persons I've met up to know. Anyways, we have kept mentioning that phrase as the year goes by. 

But, as funny as it is mentioning it (you have to say it with conviction) for every little plan we have, there might just be something inside that phrase that opens up a can of whoop-ass in the universe that is helping our plans march along. 

That said, (which is not much at all) I need to move, for the moment. But I had to let this go on my senseless stream of thoughts, as a reminder I have to come back and leave my State of a Daydreamer 2015 address (lol, lame). Lot's of thought's I rather see in text and re-digest through my eyes.

Hopefully I'll post some of these over this weekend or later tonight, it all depends, but, it has to remain documented.

And as I leave to take a bath and do partially, my Friday night Routine. I leave this track that has been in my head pushing me on, the past month or two. 

Funny how it centers me, instead of triggering a panic attack. Comfort zone? Don't know, but the beat is crazy, which works well with my off-set self.

<< - ---------  +  --------- - >>

Wednesday Log out.

Listen to Coming Over - Kygo & Dillon Francis feat. James Hersey by LuckyTracks by Heilmoa #np on #SoundCloud https://soundcloud.com/guntrail/coming-over-kygo-dillon

I must (Time for a New Season)

It's as though I purposely kept myself away for so long. Trying to find the right words to express all that has happened in 2 years,. Insanely caught in a never-ending spiral drowning out my voice to keep my head in peace. Yet I never achieved it.

Peace, I never achieved it,.

I myself,. am still learning to find order out of my own being, where entropy truly reigns supreme. I've given up on promises to myself, as of this second i hold myself accomplice and co-conspirator of my own devices.

But that's not to say I wont push myself to what I know is a just reward for me and my loved ones. That would be furthest from the substance that allows my existence. I'll keep my course, head held high.

I can feel the flavor of sweet faith.