Under the Storm /// And here we are,.

Oh how time ticks,. oh how it also tocks,.

I heard a really good quote from Penn & Teller earlier today,.

You don't heal a broken heart by pretending is not broken,.

 The more I discern the phrase,. the more it made sense,. And I came to the conclusion (an answer I know is there, but oh,. how do I not wish to accept ((denial)) I am looking at my recent problems all wrong,.

I got so stuck trying to control every aspect of life,. I turned into this loc'ed mad man,. But the last week or two I've really taken the time to space out a little bit. Although <----- nbsp="" p="" unifished="" word="">
(I stopped and left this post as a draft. I left 2 days, I don't remember really what stopped me from continuing what I was writing above. But I can tell you this,. I promise I wont disappoint by not finishing my thoughts this time around.

First I will list the things I'll talk about,.

What I've been up to,.
My Keyboard,.
My Vices,.
My Outlook on life,.

What I've been up to,.

Basically these last two weeks I've focused on work. Outside of work, my life has been a bit monotonous. Basically, my bedroom triples as a,. well,. bedroom,. living room & workplace,.

I do have have my little moments outside of my room from time to time, I  sometimes go to the park or run errands or go out with my brothers or my friends, but in the end, I end up here.

 Thus making the experience of life overall a bit claustrophobious (AND YES I KNOW THAT WORD DOES NOT EXIST, DON'T KNOW IF I'M COINING THE TERM, BUT THAT IS THAT).

My KEyBoArD

On other news,... Well,. let me set the scene first,. This a bit technical,. I love notebooks. Yes I do,. I mainly use a notebook when two things happen. I'm working on personal stuff or I really needed to get out of the house and I'm traveling. That is it. Besides that, you will not find me working on a notebook / laptop ever,. I hope I am true to my word there.

The point is I love my desktop. I love working on a desktop. I love having a real work space. And enjoy the power, performance and efficiency that a desktop may give you. 

On that note, let me just note one thing I have loved about a notebook that I have yet to enjoy on a desktop. A notebooks keyboard feels really good to type on. Whereas I have always not cared much about upgrading the low-end keyboards I've used with the desktop computers I've built.

But I noticed something. I didn't want to work much because my hands are always hurting. I honestly put that pain in the back of my mind and dismissed as me being lazy. I honestly thought that my body was making excuses to not work. I don't know if it is because I've been mostly by myself (total loneliness, even caught myself talking to myself out loud) this past month. And I'm pretty sure this (being alone) and an herb I've been toking lately (yes I own a pipe) have made me awfully aware of my body. Since we are in the topic of my keyboard, I'll limit myself on letting you know that the pain I'm still talking about is my hands.

So this pain, which I thought was laziness, gained my attention slowly but surely this past month. To the point I said,. "Fuck It, could it be the keyboard?". So I sat there at my desk analyzing the situation. I leaned very closely to keyboard and observed the motion of the keys as I slowly pressed those buttons, I began to noticed how shitty, swampy, muddy the keys felt. I noticed that the layout on my desktop for the keyboard and mouse, made the position I sat uncomfortable. Made me noticed that the number keypad was an obstruction and caused my mouse to be far apart from the letters in my keyboard. Thus making my movements during the day slowly cause pain to hands.

Believe, this makes sennse when you spend from 8 to 11 hours on your desk typing away.

My conclusion was,. "Well, It's time we do some research on a new keyboard."

My first thought was to jump in mthe car head over to X computer shop and buy a decent keyboard.

But then as I researched further, through Amazon and YouTube videos. I noticed that there was cheap mechanical keyboards out there. I mean they are not that cheap. But they do not get to the level of making you feel bad for spending so much money on a Keyboard.


So I locked in to an specific model I wanted. Which is the Magicforce68 (Tenkeyless, meaning it does not have a NumKey Pad. And I chose the model with Khail blues, which mimics the behavior of Cherry MX blue switches.

I ordered it from amazon and took a week to get to my hands (Great job Amazon and AeroPost). Total price after Shipping & Handling. - $82.00

I got it this last Friday and was really excited (you know this is a special moment when you have a boring life, lol). So I came back to my room and immediately chucked the old keyboard out of the way and hooked up the new keyboard. And oh my smile when I saw it light up. But better yet. I fired up the work platform and I cant tell you the joy I felt typing the rest of the day.

The switches are amazing, your finger makes love to that key when pressed. The back-lit is strong and so helpful, it really helps when seeing the keys (less eye strain), back lit is so good though, that I have it dialed two levels down from max level. No one needs that much light, lol.

I have to say, I am really happy. because I have come to realize that sometimes we ignore the little things. This was not about making a purchase because of the love of material things. In fact, I have not purchase anything material for myself in quite a long time. Those little things we ignore sometimes,.. Sometimes paying attention and doing something about my help on the long run.


Just wanted to share a simple action from someone who's nobody and decided to do this one thing on day. And how it went well for him.

Here is the keyboard by the way:

I know my current camera sucks,. but,. deal with it,.

My Vices,.

Food/Sugar Alcohol/Tobacco,.

This could be a long rant,.

I wont look to the past on this or it will expand the length of this post. And after that keyboard story. I really enjoyed typing that, by the way, but still. The train of thought decides how long we should go.

Food / Sugar

Young me had a problem with this. Sadly pre-teen, teen and young adult me did not know how to cope with depression and made food and whole-day sleeping their escape routes. I ate away my whole childhood and slept away all my sadness (come to find it is not so easy to let go that way).

I'm working on it. If we lost 100 pounds, what are a few more,. We'll get there. 

I think I got this down. I eat decent now,. So this is a non-issue,. Except just focusing on having at least 1% likeness to an athletic body, haha. So that requires exercise. But for now walking is enough. For now,. This is due to my other issue,.

Alcohol/Tobacco

These have been older/present me problems. Alcohol not so much lately. Although I did noticed how much of an asshole I've become the past few times I've been drunk. But that was due to personal issues. This is currently in progress. So let's leave it at that.

Tobacco,.

This is numero uno. My current adversary. Above everything, this is my current problem.

My letter to Tobacco:

Dear Friend,

I know you've been there in my toughest times,

You've helped me escape from my emotional pain,.

When the night was at it's darkest, 

you gave be a small red light to contemplate,.

I am grateful for those moments,

From those moments I learned,.

The smoke clouded the the bad thoughts away,

But now you've taken the wrong place,.

You've replaced emotion for physical,

My Pain and who I am, a result of this,.

 So friend please, disern my words,

I need you to leave,.

I'm speaking the truth, I am speaking my heart. Those that do not know a vice which becomes and addiction that goes and directly becomes a threat to your life. And despite knowing that fact you continue to let it run your life,. Have no idea of what those words above signify to those who have lost that battle for so long.

Understand this. For the past month I'm smoking two packs a day. I understand my problem all too well.

So we'll take it one day at a time.

My Outlook on life,.

I'm still lost on what will happen next. I currently expect nothing from anybody. But my problem is,. I'll still help those who ask. I guess at this moment I am just waiting.

I'm just waiting for people to slip, just enough,.
Just enough for me to find the courage and strength to say, "no more",.

My problem has always been not saying "no",. I try to make everyone happy, I crave for being accepted. I need to be noticed and I don't mean this in a narcissistic way, I mean, I need for those that mean something to me to return that affection,. That is always a let-down,. I feel I give so much,.
But the moment you do that, people expect it from you, always. And since they have accustomed to your behavioral pattern, they don't care the way they treat you.

No wonder good guys are always at the back of the line. And true douche-bags are always the twinkle in a woman's eye.

So yeah, I have no dog in this fight, just yet.
I just know I've become desensitized to the word love again,.

Everything else looks bright. Me works, Me gets moneys, Me pays our debts and Me looks to invest. That's the focus now. To make way for a better future. Not for just Me,. but for my family & friends and whoever comes next,.

Loved to type all this non-sense,. Should write a book,. But I have having to fix the syntax on conversations,. blah,.

I'm out. Peace, bitches,.

Strangest November Ever,.

Well, both this year's and last years have been strange,. In very different ways,.

But, this is the last Sunday of the Month,. Only Sunday I rested. Which is was,. oh so lovely,. I wonder what it would be to completely disconnect. As I could not stop thinking of picking up the mobile, or checking Social Networks,. but I limited myself to a bare minimum,. I cannot describe how tired I've felt,. Was it worth it? Yes,. most definitely it was,. I don't think anyone can save me from myself when it comes to changing my mind from think I have I have to do, what I need to do,. I don't know if I mentioned it before (signs of this daily hustle I've been on,.) but I got a shiny new promotion and a raise at work (still adding it for Timeline/Archive purposes ),. You can call yourself Senior now :),. Yes,. working from 9am to 3am without weekends was worth it,.

During the middle of the Month I made probably the biggest mistake of the year (Make note of this and come back and read next July),. So I grew my hair long this year. But I grew tired of seeing how much hair I lost. I mean, It messes psychologically with you, the fact you wake up there's hair on the bed, you take a bath and theirs dozens on our hand. You freaking hair everywhere, not staying on your freaking head ( I'm thinking this is also all the October / November stress I was on ). Anyways, I got tired of that and in a move of adulterated impulse, I shaved my head. Lo & behold, I immediately regretted my decision, which was pretty damn funny. But nothing was as worst as the backlash I got from my family, friends (both male and females), as to why I cut my hair, that the long hair was the much better route. So here I sit, growing my hair now. I was funny though,. But it's OK, just part of the process,. the seasons, need chaotic changes still, looks evolve,. So new tattoos once I hit milestones,. just putting it out there,.


I made a new friend 2 weekends ago (that insane weekend (I did make some room to socialize, I was tired)),. She asked me why I felt so adamantly of not being in a relationship? And that question still hits me right in the gut. My answer remains the same, I'm full of faults, so not being enough for someone affects directly my self-esteem,. I'm really good at certain things, but being in a relationship is not one of them,. I'm a patient person, but that gets mistaken as a weakness, just as my kindness (that is more of a general issue, than intimate),. I have no time for B-Class love. It's not that I don't believe in love. It's just that at this moment, I don't think believe love for me exists, in their eyes and words that slither from their mouths I see and hear other things exist (interest, sex, money, alcohol, partying) but not love.  Sadly, I might die alone,. So I walk this road with friends & family,. Until there are none or until the end of my time separates me from them,.

How'd you like that sack of pain I carry,? lol,. Yep, she did not like my answer,. But I rather push people away (she just called, it's 11.30pm and I did not pick up (please go)) than waste my time. It's the only thing I've borrowed and I can't replace. None of us can,.

But I'm working on myself,. like I say in every post,. haha,. December is upon us,. and changes are coming faster that I can plan them. Traveling is a major part of this coming year,. Moving to a special place is too,. away from it all,. So apart from work,. I plan to focus on music,. writing (hopefully) and last but not least The Project Site (which is still mocked up, but we have really high-end prospects interested (so I need to focus on working on that (above anything else (meaning I need to cut the bullshit because there is a lot of grinding ahead)))),. The things only I get excited about,. lol,.

Aaaaaanyways,. My Sunday is now over, I had my fun, I tried relaxing, saw a movie with my brother,. I played The Last of Us for a sweet amount of time (you have to love multiplayer names with audio chat) , had great food, heard great music,. Now I'm off to check my Google Spreadsheets (Tip 24720: Budget),.

Good Night, Moon,. Thank you for the company,.

Nervous.

I promised I was gonna write last weekend. But I had not taken into consideration that I would get lost in social gatherings Friday and Saturday night. Just, lost.

Observing others and their modus operandi.

This weekend I have to do O.T.  for a few hours to help @work. Easy piecy, lemon squizz..

The Subject on point though is my 7am meeting at the embassy tomorrow. I am nervous. So so nervous. Just hope all goes well. As this will define my plans for the end of this year and other upcoming plans on 2016.

Tonight I try to sleep. Tomorrow night, hopefully celebrate and introspect on & on & on.