A Ruminant Dreamer

As we wind down to the end of the year. I come to reflect this hectic season. So many things did not go as planned, Love, family, friends, work, health and other personal aspects I have yet to comprehend about myself. You have to come to grips these things cannot be planned. Just steered to a certain degree.

Love, I never meant for it to end, but I know it's on me. I did not handle the relationship properly; I did not control the outcome. And as bad as I would've want to keep holding on to it. As bad as I wanted things to work, at an even pace. I was not myself anymore, I cracked. I never had anything to prove to anyone. I just wanted what we had; there was no end-game. I know you are a great person, smart, beautiful, honest. I know your son is more special than I could ever express. But I can't blame anyone but myself for how things ended.

Family is a strong foundation. Especially when you need someone to remind you to get back up after you've hit rock bottom. I sure know my family isn't perfect. We have more scars and faults than I care to count. My family has always had shortcomings. But has continued to pull ahead. And that's what my family has left me as a lesson this year. You get back up and push ahead.

Friends, the good the bad and the ugly. Always neccesary during hard times. Even though I did not look for them when I was at my worst, work took care of that for me. Felt good to come back to certain roots and good to learn who stands with you in hard times, and who looks to gain from your misery and mistakes.

Work the forever necessary evil. I know I'm a workaholic. And that will always be my double edge sword. Things have changed so much from where I started the year to where I am now. In the span of this year I had 3 bosses. My first boss, is by far the most supportive boss I have ever known to this day. He gave me the tools to do what I needed to pull ahead as far as it was possible through his means. For that I will be forever grateful. The second boss (bridge between the first and third, (halfed ass part time)) was the worst person I have ever met in my life. I never thought I would be ever cursed by a boss. This affected me greatly, as in my job experience up to that point; I have never ever encountered this. My third boss has been a blast. The job is hard, and there is never a lack of tasks. But feels good to be motivated and appreciated along the way. That's the managing style I love, I raise my cup to that.

Health, the forever struggle. I am constantly fighting my demons. And my health problems are one of them. It feels as hard as I try; this one keeps pounding me to the ground. This moment by far has been the worst ever. Not only is the blood sugar kicking me down. While my anxiety has come back from time to time, to remind me how bad things can get. But the battle continues, I have to rage on, eating healthy, avoiding sugars, go to the gym, rest and try to keep my mind intact. Free from even my own thoughts. It is sad to know I'll die young. All I can do is fight till the end.

And for the other aspects. I will share these separately.