Beyond Fight or Flight,.

I've been sitting @ Starbucks close to 9 hours now. Doing that thing I'm responsible of. Sipping on some Spearmint Green Tea as chaos unfolds on my display. The end of the month just passed and with it comes a wave of tickets in need of assistance. So one by one, I spread knowledge on my victims, making their doubts cease to exist. Hit after hit, I slash with wisdom, I hack seeding information, my foes decrease in formation. But after the clouds of debris settle. I find myself exhausted, but losing my train of thought, slowly decreasing my attacks.

Annnd,. lol,. my inspiration of my day to day (good ol' work) has now subside. For I will get out of Starbucks and have drinks with my friends,.

I'll pick this up later,. Evening world,. cheers,.

To be concluded,.

Strangest November Ever,.

Well, both this year's and last years have been strange,. In very different ways,.

But, this is the last Sunday of the Month,. Only Sunday I rested. Which is was,. oh so lovely,. I wonder what it would be to completely disconnect. As I could not stop thinking of picking up the mobile, or checking Social Networks,. but I limited myself to a bare minimum,. I cannot describe how tired I've felt,. Was it worth it? Yes,. most definitely it was,. I don't think anyone can save me from myself when it comes to changing my mind from think I have I have to do, what I need to do,. I don't know if I mentioned it before (signs of this daily hustle I've been on,.) but I got a shiny new promotion and a raise at work (still adding it for Timeline/Archive purposes ),. You can call yourself Senior now :),. Yes,. working from 9am to 3am without weekends was worth it,.

During the middle of the Month I made probably the biggest mistake of the year (Make note of this and come back and read next July),. So I grew my hair long this year. But I grew tired of seeing how much hair I lost. I mean, It messes psychologically with you, the fact you wake up there's hair on the bed, you take a bath and theirs dozens on our hand. You freaking hair everywhere, not staying on your freaking head ( I'm thinking this is also all the October / November stress I was on ). Anyways, I got tired of that and in a move of adulterated impulse, I shaved my head. Lo & behold, I immediately regretted my decision, which was pretty damn funny. But nothing was as worst as the backlash I got from my family, friends (both male and females), as to why I cut my hair, that the long hair was the much better route. So here I sit, growing my hair now. I was funny though,. But it's OK, just part of the process,. the seasons, need chaotic changes still, looks evolve,. So new tattoos once I hit milestones,. just putting it out there,.


I made a new friend 2 weekends ago (that insane weekend (I did make some room to socialize, I was tired)),. She asked me why I felt so adamantly of not being in a relationship? And that question still hits me right in the gut. My answer remains the same, I'm full of faults, so not being enough for someone affects directly my self-esteem,. I'm really good at certain things, but being in a relationship is not one of them,. I'm a patient person, but that gets mistaken as a weakness, just as my kindness (that is more of a general issue, than intimate),. I have no time for B-Class love. It's not that I don't believe in love. It's just that at this moment, I don't think believe love for me exists, in their eyes and words that slither from their mouths I see and hear other things exist (interest, sex, money, alcohol, partying) but not love.  Sadly, I might die alone,. So I walk this road with friends & family,. Until there are none or until the end of my time separates me from them,.

How'd you like that sack of pain I carry,? lol,. Yep, she did not like my answer,. But I rather push people away (she just called, it's 11.30pm and I did not pick up (please go)) than waste my time. It's the only thing I've borrowed and I can't replace. None of us can,.

But I'm working on myself,. like I say in every post,. haha,. December is upon us,. and changes are coming faster that I can plan them. Traveling is a major part of this coming year,. Moving to a special place is too,. away from it all,. So apart from work,. I plan to focus on music,. writing (hopefully) and last but not least The Project Site (which is still mocked up, but we have really high-end prospects interested (so I need to focus on working on that (above anything else (meaning I need to cut the bullshit because there is a lot of grinding ahead)))),. The things only I get excited about,. lol,.

Aaaaaanyways,. My Sunday is now over, I had my fun, I tried relaxing, saw a movie with my brother,. I played The Last of Us for a sweet amount of time (you have to love multiplayer names with audio chat) , had great food, heard great music,. Now I'm off to check my Google Spreadsheets (Tip 24720: Budget),.

Good Night, Moon,. Thank you for the company,.

Here,. so far away,.

Slept all evening during the rain. Now I can't fall back asleep. So I sit here back to the wall on my bed. And I can shake of the nerves of what is to come and if I'll make it to my goal (can't say just yet, cause I feel I'm close to jinxing the whole plan). Mid-November will define what I will focus on 2016. The struggle is real, real dumb. Wish I would've been given more time to prepare myself.

Also, I wish I would've kept my mouth shut to family and friends until I had confirmation. Tired of getting asked how my plans are going. I already have enough to worry about. It's been a year of somewhat-strict debt snowball recovery. Can't deny it though. After the first punch below the belt given on September. The word "despilfarro" comes to mind. Trying to forget, to not cry,.. So tired & stressed out,.. 

My hair is falling again, which is just adding to the negative feels. It's the dieting. But, we broke the long-standing plateau. I have up to now lost 83 pounds since my highest weight ever recorded. I just have to do half that again to be ok. Perseverance, bitches. At least sugar levels have improved, for the moment. But we have learned the struggle is real and only I understand what it's been and the road I have to take. Sitting idly by just amounts in fucking up you health. Anyways,.,.

I've alway been a night person,  but I really need to rest. Insomnia has me, but in order to learn new programming code I need to be in tune. To go to the gym, I need to feel energized. And to be positive, I need to continue receiving positive vibes. All hopes for the best. I'll try to catch some Z's again. Night world.

This is the tune of this scene,.,.

Where is my mind?

I was walking through a wheat field making sense out of nothing. I asked myself where I had gone off to for so long. As though I was part of multiple things, all which made no sense. As I walk through the path I extend my hands at the kernels that are steadily placed on their stems, which in turn are firmly planted on the ground. The awn slowly caresses the palm of my hands as I make my way through the field. There is a sense of nostalgia as small essence of the kid I once was had been came to this very same field, I then felt the presence of regret, toward all those things I had not accomplished at some point in my life. My reasoning was faded by something more than my own judgement. Clouded by that which has always kept me back from achieving those goals set on any given day on my long list of days on planet earth. I can now tell I'm no longer in the wheat field. And the place I'm in is unfamiliar to me.

The breeze calms my breathing, as I start to realize I stand a top a high rising mount. I can look down at a village I do not recognize. But a vague feeling of knowing it is a place special to someone I may know creeps in. I feel lucid, a velvet comfort, I realize the place I have visited is not real. In the back I can hear Tibetan chants slowly spreading a wide sense togetherness. I suddenly become ill on my one true weakness. It sounds so obvious here in this place where I metaphysically stand. It is so easy to pinpoint that which holds me down. But up there in the surface, It is so hard to maintain concentration. That small doubt of a problem which always takes me further into an abyss of sorrow. A self-driven no-sense place of masochist desire for an untamed mind.

I am no longer standing. I hear drumbeat. I lay down, face up, in the middle of a forest. I have my eyes closed, but I can feel it is rich in green. The feeling of the comfortable soil beneath me and the plants growing at my sides. It is as if time has stopped for me. Yet, everything around me moves much faster. As though I have become a constant in this vast unwithering realm.  But it is now time to let go. Time to surface. So here I go. Going back up,. Then off to sleep,.

As I have become an early bird of prey,.

Thereafter

Where my mind floats to when I disconnect from the last verse that ever makes sense. I make my way to attest my own weakness, But it comes to no surprise that in my mind I suffice a perpetual state of longing a never ending dream, lucid, to which real life becomes inferior. I follow my own sorrow as it would ever reply with reason. I am no longer my known self, standing under the star-filled skies, wind caressing the skin of a tormented soul. Not by love he's come to know, not by the lust he's ever came upon, not by the deception of what the real world holds. Not by his own unwarranted assertion that he holds no card that would satisfy his yearning to once again live the life lived,. and to know the life led to the end,.

Present, where the mind floats endlessly, provoked by it's own creation, enticed by it's own destruction. Potentially in an ever-lasting state of bliss,. Tonight in my own skewed state, I welcome what has to come next,.

I made popcorn, didnt eat it,.

Second exams for this semester have come and gone. What a weekend,. 5 exams in 2 days. Friday night was a huge hustle trying to get the last bit of information cramped, I did what I could but the baggage of the week held me down, the same with my sweery, her eyes closed shop quick. Got to class the next day and like always the fuzzy logic kicks in,. and by that I mean, as soon as I have one single doubt on the process I'm following on paper. Suddenly everything I study comes crumbling down, and start doing dumb-ass decisions. I need Fosfo B12 probly,. haha u.u

Sunday came with 3 exams. Math, TIC4 and Progra1,. And I gotta say that Progra woman, teacher, instructure-creature who dwells the deep chasms of hell. Needs a attitude upgrade soon. All I did was ask if I could do the exam in the next available hour. Seeing as though she had just stated that she would be there the next hour. And the nerve of this bitch to respond so rudely (me not being the better person in keeping this to myself), she had to go on and look down on me. u.u just bad service in her part,. -.-

Anyways came back home made some popcorn. Watched Shooter at last, (that movie rocks sweety,. your right) then completely fell asleep and watch in short doped portions Back to the Future 2 and 3,. (watched the first one last week so I had to conclude the Back to the Future cycle, you just can't interrupt it and except to leave it that way.

Well, sou so far, have woken up, and kinda updated the sets on Flickr, gonna go back to sleep though, just needed to release those thougts,.

Current status,.
Leg and Back are stressing me out
(Gonna try sleepin face up,.)

Started composing a song,.
experimental,. but kinda nice,.
hopefully Ill get to at least
master it and have a track out,.

Like how things are right now,. but
something is not right,. this way
of doing things (habits) are not setup
properly,. making huge issues with my
schedule, mood,. comfort,.
leg hurts as I type this need to walk around,.

Then fall asleep,. again,.

Recap ::: A tale of a week that ends and the other one begins,. On the eve of this post,.

¬.¬ And then I said,.

"Doped moment,."
And even though its the weekend and after two exams which made my brain crunch so much info,. {with assistance of a very rocking tutor} .,Starting the work week tomorrow with the morning's third, but last exam @7am,. By the end of the day with so many things going on,. I was left without words,. Drove home, picked up my stuff, and came to my room,. 4pills,. lots of water,. 3 cigz {I'm really trying, but fuck they are needed},. TVs on low volume,. just some idiot on the screen, acting a fool. Stared in front of the mirror for a few minutes, counted about 42 things i would change,. meh,.

You know,. I would really love to listen to a guided meditation like the one in the cancer support group in Fight Club, Ive always felt I would have really loved experience that. I guess I would really enjoy right about now letting my mind creep out to those corners of my mind where I have not revisited for such a long time,. Mmm,. I don't know why,. but that part of my mind I always imagine it as two different settings,. I'm guessing they are obviously two different corners in my mind,. I don't think they are the only two,. But they are definitely for some reason the most visually present. One is red velvet like. And the other one is blue. Both have light and dark areas. Heavily contrasted. Haha, Ok, no one is gonna know what the fuck I'm talking about now. I digressed outta everything that's sane. That's way too personal, I looked crazy now, but delete does not exist,.. most times.

Back to normal things,.

I did something way stupid Friday afternoon. I picked up the camera and starting viewing the pictures I had taken for this week {I try doing this the most I can, sadly. Inside work there is nothing fun to shoot at} as a purged the crap pics I erased a 10 minute video I had made last Saturday night {22nd Aug, 2009}. I took it in my video casting place. Meaning the walking overpass in front the Citi building. Well,. the location is not important {since it only looks good on camera @ night}. well,. the thing was that the video had to do with a lot of likes and dislikes about life, work,. and how studying is so damn important {got to watch it only twice I was really proud of it}. But sadly this idiot deleted it. Ok pills have really taken effect now. Eyes closing bad, mmm,. loved support with the exams,. then later on the pizza & beer & company & stories told today, sadly it ended again with a twist. But again,. thanks for rocking it,. breath,. preparing to evacuate soul {for the night, tampoco mucho drama,.},.

P.S. Nunca Jamas is already taken, despite our little discussion, it was the first thing I came to check once I got to my room,.

Well looky here,. my horoscope of today meaning yesterday,.
You may be annoyed or even angry if someone says one thing yet does another today. You could be hesitant to say anything at all, for you don't know what is really going on. It's challenging, for you're unable to trust your senses if others give you mixed messages. Accept the dilemma as a temporary situation, for attempts to resolve the conflict now will only increase your current frustration.

Sleeping now,. Good Night half of planet earth which is sleeping,.

One of the pics that survived the noob's erasure "slash" massacre o' pics

I want my tattoo already,.

Why Cross? strength, peace & hope

I got a probable queue:::

Cross, Bold outline star, Cross (Simple 2 Sticks) & the Ankh

Absolutely Nothing,.

Looks like it's gonna rain,. Shaggy DayDreaming,.

Me Likes! :)


Looking down at the Blaze

The Blaze, getting little white bird gifts,. :(

@ 345 bored bored bored,.

Friday afternoon I started writing this small story, which I guess will be some of the first posts of the other blog, although I haven't really worked out the way in which I will carry out the story-telling process. Seeing as though. Will some be chapters are others just small stories, and how will
And now the other things,.
Everything play out on the blog streamlined format. Maybe I just shouldn't give a f*ck,. That always works. Well it was really nice to begin writing a fictional story. I had forgotten the wonders of just letting your mind go with the flow as you textually create an ambiance, The Bee's Knees. Friday night I honestly had no plans, hell, I'm poorer than the flame throwing dude on the corner. I was ready for a night of movies alone in the living room. When the phone rang 3 times, requesting my presence for an evening of a socially-hydrated forum. Which was good. It's always nice to see your school friends and remember the days past. haha.
Saturday morning was not good though. It was an all morning grind. Scrubbing the team RR has its ups and downs. I get to listen to music all day. But it takes kinda long to ramp up, cuz I really did start slow Saturday,. So left work around 4 or 5, then went home. Enclosed myself in my room. And napped till like 7pm,.
Woken by Lui's call telling me if I was gonna go to Byll's house. Which I said yes cause well, again I had no plans seeing as though I cannot make any plans due to the wallet con su "cara de parto",. So we drank the night away, saw things I shouldn't have seen. Raul, you are indeed a show,. WTF comes to mind,. Byll wasn't even there, left with one of our fellow RSs to go eat tacos :s. WTF, again. Anyways.
The night passed, Returned home ASAP cause well, no gas to be exploring our nation's capital. And then came Sunday morning,. Which I cannot complain. Cold rain and the bed,. need I say more,. Got out of bed and decided to check on the happenings around the house. To find myself alone and a note stating,. "Gone for the day,..." So the day was basically what I originally planned for Friday,. I watched movies,. Nothing new,. just revisiting old movies on TNT HBO, etc.. :: Minority Report, Bournes Identity and Supremacy, Hitched, Fast and Furious 4 and It's all gone Pete Tong,. like 2 hours of The Simpsons too. :p
I have now realized that I really do need to reorder my room,. There seems to be such an inefficiency between the bed and desk,. can't work like that. So gotta look into getting that solved. Caus honestly getting tired of that issue,. -.-