7.16.2017

Thirty Five, State of the Self

And here we are,. long lost soul,. Wanderer of many paths,. It has been long since my last post, I always looked back at my log but consciously decided to keep my thoughts to myself. I guess it has been that cloudy-hardheadedness I've been drowning in for so long that led me to that choice,.

It has been a year of ups and downs and a lot of lessons that had to be learned. In the matters of love I was put to the test yet again. I was hardheaded, like I stated a few moments ago,. So I tried to make something that did not work survive for too long,. But I must say, it was satisfying to let go,. Still learning to let go,. But that's that,. just a remind to me,. Value yourself,. Know your worth,.

There was someone else anyways,. Someone who is now in my life,. But this is a story for another day,.

In other situations,. this year basically has turned into a plan to get things back in order,. By the end of the year we should be back on track to so many plans I had put aside,. I'd like the fact that things even though got out of hand, they did not get to a point of no return,. Meaning there are a lot of things steadily getting back in progress,.

My focus at the moment is removing a few debts off my back. Build a good mobile working gear (Laptop, Mobile, Accessories) to start putting stamps on my Passport, basically visit a few Central and South American locations, then move over to Spain, Romania, London and others,.

So far this is the gear list I'm going for:

- Acer Aspire E 15 E5-575G-57D4 (Best Notebook for the Price)
- Samsung S7 (Samsung is just reliable, as long as I don't drop it like the S4 and S5)
- Decent Mouse I cant take my Desktop gear around

Though, they look beautiful,.
- A decent Bag to carry this in.

With this I should be able to continue my plans to do my traveling,.

That is it for now,. something just came up so will expand on this later,.

3.06.2017

Ferro,.

Well,. I tend to go off the reserve quite easily,.

And I come back when I am at my most procrastinating state.

Just wanted to leave this gem here,.

" Number One,. That is who we are looking out for,. "
" I am here to motivate myself,. Not others ",.
" If the advise I am giving myself helps you,. Then good for you,. "

 Maybe this way I can stop caring about people that do not deserve it,.

Anyways,. carry on,.

10.25.2016

Monday Blues,.

You know something I hat,... dislike?

I hate that feeling when you get so narrow-sighted that life becomes a race. You wake up, get to work, tasks task task, you take a small break. Chit-chat with individuals (bite-size relationships). Then move back to your daily duties, end your shift. Run through the list of things that happen through-out your evening. Eventually get to sleep (fighting back all those back-light displays) and get ready to do it all over again tomorrow.

I would think we all secretly wish to break away from that twisted cycle. That race. Is life just to pay your dues? Seems pretty fucked up to me, if it is.

Well,. at the moment I'll do what I was planning to do all Monday evening long. But I was too narrow-minded myself, stuck on the tiredness, stress, and a feeling to escape clouding my logic,.

Gonna listen to music to add to my devices,. I'm tired of listening to the same shit,.
(Pardon my french)

"Shake it,. shake it sugaree,. just don't tell them that you know me,."

10.01.2016

Quick & Easy,.

I'm doing things I should not do,. Exposing myself to crazy logic.

I'm currently working OT on my on time though,. Cleaning up a backlog of things to do at work. Started with 40 tasks,. I'm down to 13. So far, I've been really efficient the last 2 hours.

I'm also finishing up on Season 2 of Mr. Robot. Fucking amazing TV show, the twists and turns have been thrilling for the mind.




9.26.2016

Just before I sleep,.

Well, the idea is to go to sleep,. but before I do,. Just a few thoughts I had today,.

- I should stayed quiet about the dream I had over the weekend,. It was Ok,. but not what I want,.
- On the other hand,. I enjoyed the dream I had yesterday,. Something impossible happened,. made me happy,. don't want to forget that feeling,.  Except the ending sucked,.
- Really need to clear my head,. Not easy apparently,.
- Binary Investing and Updating the site come to play now,.
- New headphones needed,. Exercise is boring without them,.
- Get everyone out of my head,. So I can let them go,.

First day without a cigarette complete,. Time to do it again,. yay,.

?_?




9.25.2016

Under the Storm /// And here we are,.

Oh how time ticks,. oh how it also tocks,.

I heard a really good quote from Penn & Teller earlier today,.

You don't heal a broken heart by pretending is not broken,.

 The more I discern the phrase,. the more it made sense,. And I came to the conclusion (an answer I know is there, but oh,. how do I not wish to accept ((denial)) I am looking at my recent problems all wrong,.

I got so stuck trying to control every aspect of life,. I turned into this loc'ed mad man,. But the last week or two I've really taken the time to space out a little bit. Although <----- nbsp="" p="" unifished="" word="">
(I stopped and left this post as a draft. I left 2 days, I don't remember really what stopped me from continuing what I was writing above. But I can tell you this,. I promise I wont disappoint by not finishing my thoughts this time around.

First I will list the things I'll talk about,.

What I've been up to,.
My Keyboard,.
My Vices,.
My Outlook on life,.


What I've been up to,.

Basically these last two weeks I've focused on work. Outside of work, my life has been a bit monotonous. Basically, my bedroom triples as a,. well,. bedroom,. living room & workplace,.

I do have have my little moments outside of my room from time to time, I  sometimes go to the park or run errands or go out with my brothers or my friends, but in the end, I end up here.

 Thus making the experience of life overall a bit claustrophobious (AND YES I KNOW THAT WORD DOES NOT EXIST, DON'T KNOW IF I'M COINING THE TERM, BUT THAT IS THAT).


My KEyBoArD

On other news,... Well,. let me set the scene first,. This a bit technical,. I love notebooks. Yes I do,. I mainly use a notebook when two things happen. I'm working on personal stuff or I really needed to get out of the house and I'm traveling. That is it. Besides that, you will not find me working on a notebook / laptop ever,. I hope I am true to my word there.
The point is I love my desktop. I love working on a desktop. I love having a real work space. And enjoy the power, performance and efficiency that a desktop may give you. 

On that note, let me just note one thing I have loved about a notebook that I have yet to enjoy on a desktop. A notebooks keyboard feels really good to type on. Whereas I have always not cared much about upgrading the low-end keyboards I've used with the desktop computers I've built.

But I noticed something. I didn't want to work much because my hands are always hurting. I honestly put that pain in the back of my mind and dismissed as me being lazy. I honestly thought that my body was making excuses to not work. I don't know if it is because I've been mostly by myself (total loneliness, even caught myself talking to myself out loud) this past month. And I'm pretty sure this (being alone) and an herb I've been toking lately (yes I own a pipe) have made me awfully aware of my body. Since we are in the topic of my keyboard, I'll limit myself on letting you know that the pain I'm still talking about is my hands.

So this pain, which I thought was laziness, gained my attention slowly but surely this past month. To the point I said,. "Fuck It, could it be the keyboard?". So I sat there at my desk analyzing the situation. I leaned very closely to keyboard and observed the motion of the keys as I slowly pressed those buttons, I began to noticed how shitty, swampy, muddy the keys felt. I noticed that the layout on my desktop for the keyboard and mouse, made the position I sat uncomfortable. Made me noticed that the number keypad was an obstruction and caused my mouse to be far apart from the letters in my keyboard. Thus making my movements during the day slowly cause pain to hands.

Believe, this makes sennse when you spend from 8 to 11 hours on your desk typing away.

My conclusion was,. "Well, It's time we do some research on a new keyboard."

My first thought was to jump in mthe car head over to X computer shop and buy a decent keyboard.

But then as I researched further, through Amazon and YouTube videos. I noticed that there was cheap mechanical keyboards out there. I mean they are not that cheap. But they do not get to the level of making you feel bad for spending so much money on a Keyboard.


So I locked in to an specific model I wanted. Which is the Magicforce68 (Tenkeyless, meaning it does not have a NumKey Pad. And I chose the model with Khail blues, which mimics the behavior of Cherry MX blue switches.

I ordered it from amazon and took a week to get to my hands (Great job Amazon and AeroPost). Total price after Shipping & Handling. - $82.00

I got it this last Friday and was really excited (you know this is a special moment when you have a boring life, lol). So I came back to my room and immediately chucked the old keyboard out of the way and hooked up the new keyboard. And oh my smile when I saw it light up. But better yet. I fired up the work platform and I cant tell you the joy I felt typing the rest of the day.

The switches are amazing, your finger makes love to that key when pressed. The back-lit is strong and so helpful, it really helps when seeing the keys (less eye strain), back lit is so good though, that I have it dialed two levels down from max level. No one needs that much light, lol.

I have to say, I am really happy. because I have come to realize that sometimes we ignore the little things. This was not about making a purchase because of the love of material things. In fact, I have not purchase anything material for myself in quite a long time. Those little things we ignore sometimes,.. Sometimes paying attention and doing something about my help on the long run.


Just wanted to share a simple action from someone who's nobody and decided to do this one thing on day. And how it went well for him.

Here is the keyboard by the way:

I know my current camera sucks,. but,. deal with it,.


My Vices,.

Food/Sugar Alcohol/Tobacco,.

This could be a long rant,.

I wont look to the past on this or it will expand the length of this post. And after that keyboard story. I really enjoyed typing that, by the way, but still. The train of thought decides how long we should go.

Food / Sugar

Young me had a problem with this. Sadly pre-teen, teen and young adult me did not know how to cope with depression and made food and whole-day sleeping their escape routes. I ate away my whole childhood and slept away all my sadness (come to find it is not so easy to let go that way).

I'm working on it. If we lost 100 pounds, what are a few more,. We'll get there. 

I think I got this down. I eat decent now,. So this is a non-issue,. Except just focusing on having at least 1% likeness to an athletic body, haha. So that requires exercise. But for now walking is enough. For now,. This is due to my other issue,.

Alcohol/Tobacco

These have been older/present me problems. Alcohol not so much lately. Although I did noticed how much of an asshole I've become the past few times I've been drunk. But that was due to personal issues. This is currently in progress. So let's leave it at that.

Tobacco,.

This is numero uno. My current adversary. Above everything, this is my current problem.

My letter to Tobacco:

Dear Friend,

I know you've been there in my toughest times,
You've helped me escape from my emotional pain,.
When the night was at it's darkest, 
you gave be a small red light to contemplate,.
I am grateful for those moments,
From those moments I learned,.
The smoke clouded the the bad thoughts away,
But now you've taken the wrong place,.
You've replaced emotion for physical,
My Pain and who I am, a result of this,.
 So friend please, disern my words,
I need you to leave,.
I'm speaking the truth, I am speaking my heart. Those that do not know a vice which becomes and addiction that goes and directly becomes a threat to your life. And despite knowing that fact you continue to let it run your life,. Have no idea of what those words above signify to those who have lost that battle for so long.

Understand this. For the past month I'm smoking two packs a day. I understand my problem all too well.

So we'll take it one day at a time.


My Outlook on life,.

I'm still lost on what will happen next. I currently expect nothing from anybody. But my problem is,. I'll still help those who ask. I guess at this moment I am just waiting.

I'm just waiting for people to slip, just enough,.
Just enough for me to find the courage and strength to say, "no more",.

My problem has always been not saying "no",. I try to make everyone happy, I crave for being accepted. I need to be noticed and I don't mean this in a narcissistic way, I mean, I need for those that mean something to me to return that affection,. That is always a let-down,. I feel I give so much,.
But the moment you do that, people expect it from you, always. And since they have accustomed to your behavioral pattern, they don't care the way they treat you.

No wonder good guys are always at the back of the line. And true douche-bags are always the twinkle in a woman's eye.

So yeah, I have no dog in this fight, just yet.
I just know I've become desensitized to the word love again,.

Everything else looks bright. Me works, Me gets moneys, Me pays our debts and Me looks to invest. That's the focus now. To make way for a better future. Not for just Me,. but for my family & friends and whoever comes next,.

Loved to type all this non-sense,. Should write a book,. But I have having to fix the syntax on conversations,. blah,.

I'm out. Peace, bitches,.

8.14.2016

Jaded and Drained - Time for Priorities


I've lost my comfort zone. Work has been stable,. But other parts of my life keep causing me stress,. And I've gotten to a crossroad. To a place where I need to unload a lot of negative energy, items, practices, people and things that just simply get to me,. and let them disappear.

Sucks, you know, to feel your soul dragging a long. That's the only way I can explain how it feels. Like I wish I felt rested, with energy and a light soul,. Like I once was,. 

I know one thing that has made my 2016 go down hill. It's been the damn smoking. I mean I've always smoked cigarettes. But like a fool I let things get to me and my go to action was to chain smoke my way through the pain. And guess what, now my chest hurts,. So good going, Me,.

Need to pick up better habits. Not only lower the smoking significantly. But my health was left in pause. I need to continue with the health plan. I'm 18 pounds away to be under the 200's,. It's like the moment I got to 218 I turned off,. (That was my 100 pounds off celebration (highest weight was 318 (but who's keeping score, am I right?))).

So the plan is. Keep doing weights, but add cardio again to the plan. Cause I stopped cardio like a year ago. And that was a huge no no.

That and eat healthy (remove the flours, rice and drink lots of water again) should put us back in course.

It's just a goal I really need to fulfill (even-though I ignored it for the last 3 months). You probably do not understand how self-conscious I've been about my weight all my life.

Just to give you a small story that I have collected and kept stored in my bag of hurts,.

2000-2001,. 12th grade,. Class had just ended, everyone was leaving the classroom to go to break. I usually sat at the back. I really avoided attention from others, cause of being shy and shit, always feeling like an outsider.

So as I am collecting my stuff to get out of the class and meet my friends. A group of girls (classmates) that sat at the front of my class called me out,. The girl that did this was a girl I had a crush on at the time. Wendy was her name,. Out of the fucking blue and as random as it can sound. All of a sudden she shouts to me across the classroom,. "Hey Cesar, too bad,. If you would loose 50 pounds I'd go out with you,.",.

Now, I think to anyone with a healthy, stable grade of self-confidence. That would not affect them at all. But to me? That shit hurt. And that's just one of the many stories of the hundreds of experience I have were my weight precedes who I am,.

But enough of that,. I will not pick that wound further, this night,.

Like I said a few days ago,. I need to move forth,.

Something really special happened to me a few days ago,. something I thought I could not do or thought would happen,. I spoke to that girl that laughed at all my jokes,. Well, most,. Well,. we didn't speak,. I read her texts,. And from what I read she sounds like she's grown, evolved, on another level,. so that's good,. I'm happy for her,. And her words, as always appreciated did have a positive message,. So for that I'm happy,.

And that's saying a lot,. Cause lately my circles have left me drained,. feeling empty,. my mind jaded,. just lost and disgusted with their shitty ways,. Sucks feeling used,. It's crazy how it feels to know that other people do not make you feel this way,. That they genuinely care,.

My circles haven't been the best lately,. But I have not been a good person either,. far from it,.

So,. a genuine smile even if it's for a brief moment,. I'll take it,.

Back to basics,. that's what I'll do,. Since I've been eating like a fat man lately,. (thank you God for letting me not gain weight back even-though Ive made some truly asshole moves with foods lately,.)

I know,. Exercise and Eating well always get me back to a better me,. And the smoking has to stop,. And I mean cigarettes,. Cause I will not lie,. I have sparked some of the other stuff (Half Baked) for the past month,. But that's for another post,.

For now,. we rest and focus for this upcoming sunrise,.






8.13.2016

Into the Darkness (We make our way),.

I make my way,.

I make my way down a tunnel of cold blue darkness. Within it's walls, I see images of what once was. Of who I once decided to be. Of who I became to please others, never myself. Instead, I left myself ignored. I made others happy,. but I drowned myself in one hundred percent loathing. I came to the conclusion that I was worth less than nothing.

And that made me who I am. Every second that passed. It made me more and more, this,. What I became.

A dark, sinful, sorrowful, disgusting human being.


I lied to myself. That I was getting out of this hole. That I was getting better. But I was not.

I let others shape me. Control me.

Although I do not doubt that they love me,. The words from friends, family and loved ones. stung a thousand times when they spoke of certain things about me.

It sounds dumb to most. But we all experience life and situations in different ways,.

Sadly,. and stupidly,. All I ever wanted was that,. To feel wanted,. And that will always be that spine stuck to my gut,. Always there,. Remembering me that I will never attain that,. That,. Which others were gifted in such random fashion,. A beautiful gift to experience in this life,. And they do not know how much they take that for granted,.

Tonight,. It was just a remembrance of that,. that I am more alone that I lead myself to realize.

And that, my beautiful stars,. is a fucked up feeling to discern,.


---------------------------------------- --- -- -


But I make my way,.

I make my way through this path,. It's the only path I know. And I have to make due with what I have,.

I need to remove so much toxic from my life,. So much toxic,.

My eyes see but do not clearly observe,. because my heart impedes it,. My ears hear but do not listen,. Because my mind ignores it,. My mouth?,. my mouth does not conjure words,. Because my soul is tired,. And dreams of something that will not come to pass,.

So naive,. :(

No matter what though,. we make our way,. through this tunnel we move forth,. In dark times we move forth,.

And on days I find the silence I read:

Psalm 23

A psalm of David,.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
    He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
    he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

--------------------------------------- --- -- -




I promise I will do a happy post when I'm not intoxicated,.

6.08.2016

Truths hurt,.

I need words of wisdom right now,. I need uncloaked attraction & casual sex,. This from someone unbiased of it all,. Maybe that covers the pain,.

Sounds stupid, but sometimes stupid is not so bad,.

6.03.2016

Muhammad Ali - 1942-2016






Words we all can learn from,.








Closing Doors on Ghosts, Ghouls & Goblins,.

Things change no matter what,. No one can control it, but why would you want to,.? Guess I have stumbled into this "let the pieces fall as they may" mentality. And with that,. and so many changes around me, I close this season,. 6 months living under this roof,. I got healthier,.? Yes and no,. Lost a lot of weight,. yes,. I am thinner that I have been in years,. Therefore,. my sugar levels have rocked the boat. But,. there is always a but,. I spoke to a female dragon,. and my ass got burnt,. I should've played it cool,. but my got in the way,. so,. I smoked,. I smoked and I smoked,. Even right now I swallow and taste that bad disgusting tobacco aftermath in my mouth,. Yes,. I have to stop,. Have to stop smoking and allowing emotions take my to that state,. silly little motherfucking me,.

I swear,. I really admire some of my friends,. I wish I had that built in me,. to be heartless when needed to be,. But oh well,.

So anyways,. this little experiment comes to a stop. Because of family issues I have to return to square one,. But I am already scheming my next move,. We will see how it goes,. ¬_¬

For now,. I'll focus on my workspace, fix things I broke (I literally fucked up my phone a few days back and my work laptop is still dead),. saving and investing on binary options,. Hopefully this will give me freedom I need later on,.

It's been was an interesting May,. reading back some of the shit I wrote I can tell I was in a fucked up state,. mostly alcoholic,. reminiscing on past flames,. killing me on the currents,. an interested in potential ones,.

Right now,. I just need time to speak, eat,. drink & enjoy with any good company,.

Let the other shit fall where it may,. (Truly Exhale, Smile with Eyes Closed),.






"Lighting matches just to swallow up the flame like me?"

5.23.2016

Inmovable Object,.

Swallowed by darkness,. all lights are off,. Just the dim brightness of my screen,. Tomorrow is another day,. Yet here I sit obsessed by things I should let go,. And not letting them go keeps me uneasy,. awake,. Things I know that bring nothing good to me,. But here I sit,. awake,. Like a fool,.

And like the fool that I am,. I act accordingly,. According to a dumb set of functions that are burnt into my core,. I wish I was cold enough to not care,. I wish I could let things truly slide,. I wish that I could face the day not needing anything,. Probably that's it,. I wish I need nothing,. from anyone,.

I wish that I were enough,.

And I guess that is what I'm looking for,. In others,. And that should not be the case,.

It happened again,. so far 4 women have spoken that word and now a friend of mine had to open his mouth and describe me a,. "Noble",. And I broke,. right then and there I broke,.

Why? Because I'm tired of being told I'm good,. I'm tired of being taken advantaged of,. Don't see god in me,. If you are going to tare it apart,.

5.09.2016

Walking your path,.

Learning to cope,. hah,. oh God,. What is going on,. It's a roller coaster of a life, is it not? We just want someone to hold,. But at the same time, we want nothing at all,. Feels a little like loosing your identity,. Loosing your self,. or maybe not understanding who you've become or better yet,. Not at ease with you see staring back at you in the mirror,.

But,. enough of that,. this week will be different,. Or so I hope it'll be,.

Since things have been so hectic I shifted to composing music and learning Romanian, in my free time,. Also, I've been learning about Binary Options, which is a sort of method of investment where you speculate the futures of currency and what not,. It looks promising,. So on my off time I'll be investing some of my money on that and see how it goes,. So far the pros outweigh the cons. So it is worth a try,. It's time to go above and beyond the single source of income,.

So I've been talking to my friend, the plan to Romania is running smoothly,. In a way it is strange, because, he's the one that originated the plan. Yet has the hardest time now, since well,. he will have to leave his kid behind for sometime. Let the pieces fall as they may and the might be together soon, or not. So this is taking a toll on him.

Me on the other hand. I was positioned the plan, specially at a time where things where complicated (to the point I asked this dumb girl if she wanted to go (thank God my eyes were opened)). So at the time I was so damn hesitant about choosing the option of going. But then things turned upside down and all this I've gone through has just pushed me forward to that decision. I spoke to my parents and my mom said the best thing that she could've said, she said, "There is nothing here that is holding you back from taking that journey. Go and experience something different". For my mom to day it surprised me a lot. She is the type of mom that wants you close. But I guess she saw in me someone that needs something more, something else. It could be also because she and my dad went through Europe two years ago and were left awed,. I guess she wants the same thing for me.

Like I've said before and I'll say it again. People here are nice and all. But I've always felt out of place. Why? Because of all the places I've live, this is the only place where I see people so caged within themselves, so much taboo, "what are people going to say", damn honestly what I've experiences in this country made me so self-conscious to a certain point, callado mas bointo, no? haha,. No, I do not like that about this place,. :p Never will,. There's nice good people out there,.
But,. ah well,.

All I know is that I am looking forward to letting go of all,. Socarla and live on my own means on the other side of the world,. Away from any roots,. Away from anyone that undervalued my love in this place,. And lets see how I am developed based on those conditions,.  Well,. falta,. still money to save, things to do, people to talk to,. But like I said, at first I was adamant about all this,. Now I want it more than anything,.

5.05.2016

That awkward feeling in the pit of the stomach,.

It has not been easy,. In fact, I think I had never been put in such a challenged so much in my life. But it was no mere coincidence. I placed myself directly in the eye of the storm. I let the pieces fall around me, I let them affect me and I moved pieces in ways I should have not. I let false love blind me, diffuse my logic and control me in really stupid ways. That love became an obsession. From there all else, the madness, the rage, that inner pain, it all run a mock and made me fall down a spiral of bad decisions,. Trying to content someone that would not be there for me,. I guess all in all, when all is said and done,. I was stronger alone, but I let someone in they made me believe in them, but they had very dark intents,. Great,. Karma,. I deserved it,. I guess I've been shit all my life so I deserved this experience,. But that aside,. Poof°!

The plans remain the same, although I am recovering from these past 3 weeks of back to back unhinged alcoholism, partying (meaning walking around with fake smiles),. and what not,. I've put a stop to what was a loose cannon.

The plan is leaving this little hell of mine behind. This all started long before I went down this stupid rabbit whole with this girl,. Everything was already in steady flow to my goal,..

It's cause FUCK,. you guys do not know how bad I regret having let that happen,. I mean we learn for experience, true, but this is more of a second-time shame-on-me type of scenario. The I should-know-better type,.

Anyways,. Late September appears to be set dates. Nothing is set in stone yet. But it looks promising.

The Plan is Romania, Bucharest,. by September/November of this year,.

The idea is with job-in-hand (my current online job) sell my belongings (all material shit I am not willing to store or take) Grab my bag clothes and laptop (which I need to fix one of them cause the one I'm on right now is not work worthy, my Macbook Pro is :( and I miss you baby,. ;(
Get my ass on a plane and fly to the other side of the world (Eastern Europe) and work as I do, but experience a different view in life,. Is supposed to be eye opening (I've gotten a lot of Feedback about this place, from friends that have lived there) so they say.

So am I happy I'm going? I should be right,. I should be,. But I having been happy lately, so fuck my life,. Honestly, I have tried sitting down to meditate, and all I can feel is this negative jolt of static electricity running through my body. I cant stay still, and if I close my eyes, I can feel how every part of my body is rejecting the idea of being calmed, as though each bit is fighting to not crumble.

Lol,. pretty dramatic I know, but I can't explain it any easier.

So, as I was saying, that's the plan,. I am somewhat excited to leave all this behind and travel Europe. I'm looking forward to Rome, Italy, Santorini, Greece, Ibiza, Spain & of course London (see my old friends),. Making traveling a priority once I am settled in Bucharest. I need to quit all this bullshit problems I decided to get entangled with and do what I really wanted to do all along. All steps at a time. Hopefully I'll get a good camera on the process,.

But yeah, March April, have not been good to me, because I let it happen. I let myself come undone. so much other things I could have been focusing on, but I took upon myself to touch my wounds until humanly possible to sustain the pain. Pendejo,. honestly,.

All I know is that I will be very careful with my money moving forward (cause definitely it has been,. It has been the root of all evil for me lately,. me and my idle hands have been compromised). And focus on start saving and getting things ready for the trip. Also, I am learning Romanian which is not bad at all. After learning some history, I learned that Romanian and Italian are related somewhat, so I am taking that as a possible good reason as to why I might learn Italian after Romanian (Italian is probably my most favorite language (how it sounds and how people express themselves with it)). So that is what I have to look forward to. But I need to learn to stop wasting my time with the wrong crowd,.

Other good things in life right now? Game of Thrones Season 06 and Silicon Valley Season 03,. That at least is something to look forward to,. Anyways,. I have a cold and Im coughing like crazy,. Will lay in the bed and watch "Hail Cesar!", really funny movie,.

Alright I'm out,. Night world,.



3.28.2016

Behind Smiles,.

So the last days of March are upon us. And with it comes uncertainty about my sanity. I remember, as a child I was a cool headed, centered minded, laid back soul. I was able to navigate between obstacles that did not affect my well being much. I was able to place my hope on my own hands and stir clear from those which could harm me. That right there though, was a blessing and a curse. Because even though I was saving myself from pain, I was also not learning how to manage it. I was not learning to be an adult.

So many things I have not learned yet when it comes to interpersonal relationships, confidence and the agility to face and make decisions based on principle, logic and thinking with my head, not with my sudden train of emotions,. We know I keep burning myself with the latter,.

And all because of a stupid obsession,. An obsession of something unattainable,. To make matters worse this affects me physically, emotionally, my time & financially. Because of the small sacrifices I make to keep something a float which is meant to dim,. if left alone,.

It's like I have not learned much at all. Because I should know better,. to look away and let go,. But my idle hands have been busy in the Devil's Playground. But this obsession has kept me pinned on a bad spot,.

I'm so tired of thinking so much,. Making shit up in my head,. Losing time over people that clearly do not make time for you,. I should know better,. because I was doing so well in being diligent with my own time and limiting others to my precious commodity. But I fell off,. I dropped guard,. I let someone in,. I let them play with my most sacred piece of me,. my battered heart,. I was an idiot for letting this happened,.

It happened before,. I let some one in,. I let them hold my heart and ignored as they slowly treated it without import,. Slowly scarring deep inside when I trusted them, needed them the most,.

And here we are again,. even though this was in no way as deep as my previous relationships. It currently gives me grief because it is the present I am living. It is the result of who I've been and the decisions I've made in the past year. It is the first time I let go after a very intense and most important relationship I've had in my life,. Sadly, also the relationship that brought me to my knees, the pain was hard to heal,. It took me to a place I thought I was not going to get out from,.

And here I am years later,. committing more mistakes,. racking up points of self-loath,.  It angers me and saddens me inside!,.

Now what do I do? Do I just accept the fact that this is not meant to be? I was meant to walk this earth stranded and alone?,. Sucks to be this way,. I wish genuinely I did not give a fuck about anyone,. That I could be an asshole, and not need any of this,. But we all want a little bit of happiness,.


Seether said it best,.

"Hold me now I need to feel complete
Like I matter to the one I need"




My time is up,. Good night Moon,. Guard me, hold me from a distance & take these thoughts away from here,.