Behind Smiles,.

So the last days of March are upon us. And with it comes uncertainty about my sanity. I remember, as a child I was a cool headed, centered minded, laid back soul. I was able to navigate between obstacles that did not affect my well being much. I was able to place my hope on my own hands and stir clear from those which could harm me. That right there though, was a blessing and a curse. Because even though I was saving myself from pain, I was also not learning how to manage it. I was not learning to be an adult.

So many things I have not learned yet when it comes to interpersonal relationships, confidence and the agility to face and make decisions based on principle, logic and thinking with my head, not with my sudden train of emotions,. We know I keep burning myself with the latter,.

And all because of a stupid obsession,. An obsession of something unattainable,. To make matters worse this affects me physically, emotionally, my time & financially. Because of the small sacrifices I make to keep something a float which is meant to dim,. if left alone,.

It's like I have not learned much at all. Because I should know better,. to look away and let go,. But my idle hands have been busy in the Devil's Playground. But this obsession has kept me pinned on a bad spot,.

I'm so tired of thinking so much,. Making shit up in my head,. Losing time over people that clearly do not make time for you,. I should know better,. because I was doing so well in being diligent with my own time and limiting others to my precious commodity. But I fell off,. I dropped guard,. I let someone in,. I let them play with my most sacred piece of me,. my battered heart,. I was an idiot for letting this happened,.

It happened before,. I let some one in,. I let them hold my heart and ignored as they slowly treated it without import,. Slowly scarring deep inside when I trusted them, needed them the most,.

And here we are again,. even though this was in no way as deep as my previous relationships. It currently gives me grief because it is the present I am living. It is the result of who I've been and the decisions I've made in the past year. It is the first time I let go after a very intense and most important relationship I've had in my life,. Sadly, also the relationship that brought me to my knees, the pain was hard to heal,. It took me to a place I thought I was not going to get out from,.

And here I am years later,. committing more mistakes,. racking up points of self-loath,.  It angers me and saddens me inside!,.

Now what do I do? Do I just accept the fact that this is not meant to be? I was meant to walk this earth stranded and alone?,. Sucks to be this way,. I wish genuinely I did not give a fuck about anyone,. That I could be an asshole, and not need any of this,. But we all want a little bit of happiness,.

Seether said it best,.

"Hold me now I need to feel complete
Like I matter to the one I need"

My time is up,. Good night Moon,. Guard me, hold me from a distance & take these thoughts away from here,.