5.05.2016

That awkward feeling in the pit of the stomach,.

It has not been easy,. In fact, I think I had never been put in such a challenged so much in my life. But it was no mere coincidence. I placed myself directly in the eye of the storm. I let the pieces fall around me, I let them affect me and I moved pieces in ways I should have not. I let false love blind me, diffuse my logic and control me in really stupid ways. That love became an obsession. From there all else, the madness, the rage, that inner pain, it all run a mock and made me fall down a spiral of bad decisions,. Trying to content someone that would not be there for me,. I guess all in all, when all is said and done,. I was stronger alone, but I let someone in they made me believe in them, but they had very dark intents,. Great,. Karma,. I deserved it,. I guess I've been shit all my life so I deserved this experience,. But that aside,. Poof°!

The plans remain the same, although I am recovering from these past 3 weeks of back to back unhinged alcoholism, partying (meaning walking around with fake smiles),. and what not,. I've put a stop to what was a loose cannon.

The plan is leaving this little hell of mine behind. This all started long before I went down this stupid rabbit whole with this girl,. Everything was already in steady flow to my goal,..

It's cause FUCK,. you guys do not know how bad I regret having let that happen,. I mean we learn for experience, true, but this is more of a second-time shame-on-me type of scenario. The I should-know-better type,.

Anyways,. Late September appears to be set dates. Nothing is set in stone yet. But it looks promising.

The Plan is Romania, Bucharest,. by September/November of this year,.

The idea is with job-in-hand (my current online job) sell my belongings (all material shit I am not willing to store or take) Grab my bag clothes and laptop (which I need to fix one of them cause the one I'm on right now is not work worthy, my Macbook Pro is :( and I miss you baby,. ;(
Get my ass on a plane and fly to the other side of the world (Eastern Europe) and work as I do, but experience a different view in life,. Is supposed to be eye opening (I've gotten a lot of Feedback about this place, from friends that have lived there) so they say.

So am I happy I'm going? I should be right,. I should be,. But I having been happy lately, so fuck my life,. Honestly, I have tried sitting down to meditate, and all I can feel is this negative jolt of static electricity running through my body. I cant stay still, and if I close my eyes, I can feel how every part of my body is rejecting the idea of being calmed, as though each bit is fighting to not crumble.

Lol,. pretty dramatic I know, but I can't explain it any easier.

So, as I was saying, that's the plan,. I am somewhat excited to leave all this behind and travel Europe. I'm looking forward to Rome, Italy, Santorini, Greece, Ibiza, Spain & of course London (see my old friends),. Making traveling a priority once I am settled in Bucharest. I need to quit all this bullshit problems I decided to get entangled with and do what I really wanted to do all along. All steps at a time. Hopefully I'll get a good camera on the process,.

But yeah, March April, have not been good to me, because I let it happen. I let myself come undone. so much other things I could have been focusing on, but I took upon myself to touch my wounds until humanly possible to sustain the pain. Pendejo,. honestly,.

All I know is that I will be very careful with my money moving forward (cause definitely it has been,. It has been the root of all evil for me lately,. me and my idle hands have been compromised). And focus on start saving and getting things ready for the trip. Also, I am learning Romanian which is not bad at all. After learning some history, I learned that Romanian and Italian are related somewhat, so I am taking that as a possible good reason as to why I might learn Italian after Romanian (Italian is probably my most favorite language (how it sounds and how people express themselves with it)). So that is what I have to look forward to. But I need to learn to stop wasting my time with the wrong crowd,.

Other good things in life right now? Game of Thrones Season 06 and Silicon Valley Season 03,. That at least is something to look forward to,. Anyways,. I have a cold and Im coughing like crazy,. Will lay in the bed and watch "Hail Cesar!", really funny movie,.

Alright I'm out,. Night world,.



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