10.26.2015

Fear,. (This may escalate rather quickly)




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fear
ˈfir/

noun
  1. 1.
    an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

verb
  1. 1.
    be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.





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Some of my fears,. 

Speaking in public,. being singled out,. dancing (lol, true, even though I like to, but feel horrible at it),. small talk with strangers,. loosing loved ones,. heights,. being buried alive,. floating in large bodies of water,. becoming too angry causing irreparable damage (this may happen exploding on the spot or implosive, justifying actions of something wrong I could do). Fear of being touched (for personal reasons), fainting (Anxiety-wise), failure (also an anxiety issue), eye contact (unless I know you, (or at least I think I do)), women,. love,. relationships,. opening my heart,. being myself in front of others,. Sadly, what other's think,. Rejection,. Being cheated on,. Not being enough,. 

That said,. 

It's oh so hypocritical, but I now know, without a single shadow of a doubt that what I want, or was looking for,.  Does not exist in this world,. [Raise that whiskey,.] Here's to all the "truths" that hide all the lies. 

Here's the rant. 

For so long I'm not looking, I left it all behind, I look out for myself, my immediate family, my closest friends,. The rest can get the fuck out. Why don't I let anyone near? Cause the more I listen to people speak the more I realize how full of shit they are. How two-face everyone is. How double standards play a primary role in this game. The more people I meet, the more girls/women I talk to, the more I feel I belong elsewhere. Women here have an agenda, a train of thought I don't even begin to understand and requirements I do not meet, nor wish to do so, at least not for them.

The more I listen to some "friends" of mine, the more I see them for what they truly are, fucking passive-haters, desiring for you to not succeed, as last not beyond them, because they always have to be better than you, one way or another. Can't be happy for my success? And call me out for my physical appearance? For the fact I am no "ladies man"? Cause that is all you have to bring me down, and sadly you know it. And yes, it works. 

I'll shut up now, too much info. 


All I'l say is this,

I'll keep walking my path, I'm no saint, definitely not perfect, no role model, pretty sure I'm a sinner. Doing wrong on a daily basis. I wear a mask, because I can't express myself unless I do. And the rejection, is too damn high. Who knows it? I know it.

But maybe for the first time in my life, I understand that my fears make me who I am. My pain, molds me as I grow. The torments I have within myself affect the perception I have about everything. It's expressed in my writing, my music, my drawings, my photography.

So, my path is there for me to walk, head on with a with a few daily fears, not running away from them, other's will take a long time for me to challenge them again. Not ready to believe in love. It's a myth. Plus I have not time for that. I'm barely learning to love myself just yet, honest to God, I am trying. Hopefully, one day I'll look in the mirror and stop wishing to be the person I see and actually be more than that.

But enough about stupid rants,. 
I'll look back to this and say. Oh damn,. that broken soul was a mess, and hopefully laugh,.

Well, for now, It's too late, I was looking for the words to vent and I'm glad I did. Cause I needed to so bad and like always no one to talk to about it. But this is something I wouldn't like to discuss, let go of my thoughts, period.

So back to bed, for now. 

I put my mask back on,

I smile, :) & whisper, "Night, World.",.




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