8.14.2016

Jaded and Drained - Time for Priorities


I've lost my comfort zone. Work has been stable,. But other parts of my life keep causing me stress,. And I've gotten to a crossroad. To a place where I need to unload a lot of negative energy, items, practices, people and things that just simply get to me,. and let them disappear.

Sucks, you know, to feel your soul dragging a long. That's the only way I can explain how it feels. Like I wish I felt rested, with energy and a light soul,. Like I once was,. 

I know one thing that has made my 2016 go down hill. It's been the damn smoking. I mean I've always smoked cigarettes. But like a fool I let things get to me and my go to action was to chain smoke my way through the pain. And guess what, now my chest hurts,. So good going, Me,.

Need to pick up better habits. Not only lower the smoking significantly. But my health was left in pause. I need to continue with the health plan. I'm 18 pounds away to be under the 200's,. It's like the moment I got to 218 I turned off,. (That was my 100 pounds off celebration (highest weight was 318 (but who's keeping score, am I right?))).

So the plan is. Keep doing weights, but add cardio again to the plan. Cause I stopped cardio like a year ago. And that was a huge no no.

That and eat healthy (remove the flours, rice and drink lots of water again) should put us back in course.

It's just a goal I really need to fulfill (even-though I ignored it for the last 3 months). You probably do not understand how self-conscious I've been about my weight all my life.

Just to give you a small story that I have collected and kept stored in my bag of hurts,.

2000-2001,. 12th grade,. Class had just ended, everyone was leaving the classroom to go to break. I usually sat at the back. I really avoided attention from others, cause of being shy and shit, always feeling like an outsider.

So as I am collecting my stuff to get out of the class and meet my friends. A group of girls (classmates) that sat at the front of my class called me out,. The girl that did this was a girl I had a crush on at the time. Wendy was her name,. Out of the fucking blue and as random as it can sound. All of a sudden she shouts to me across the classroom,. "Hey Cesar, too bad,. If you would loose 50 pounds I'd go out with you,.",.

Now, I think to anyone with a healthy, stable grade of self-confidence. That would not affect them at all. But to me? That shit hurt. And that's just one of the many stories of the hundreds of experience I have were my weight precedes who I am,.

But enough of that,. I will not pick that wound further, this night,.

Like I said a few days ago,. I need to move forth,.

Something really special happened to me a few days ago,. something I thought I could not do or thought would happen,. I spoke to that girl that laughed at all my jokes,. Well, most,. Well,. we didn't speak,. I read her texts,. And from what I read she sounds like she's grown, evolved, on another level,. so that's good,. I'm happy for her,. And her words, as always appreciated did have a positive message,. So for that I'm happy,.

And that's saying a lot,. Cause lately my circles have left me drained,. feeling empty,. my mind jaded,. just lost and disgusted with their shitty ways,. Sucks feeling used,. It's crazy how it feels to know that other people do not make you feel this way,. That they genuinely care,.

My circles haven't been the best lately,. But I have not been a good person either,. far from it,.

So,. a genuine smile even if it's for a brief moment,. I'll take it,.

Back to basics,. that's what I'll do,. Since I've been eating like a fat man lately,. (thank you God for letting me not gain weight back even-though Ive made some truly asshole moves with foods lately,.)

I know,. Exercise and Eating well always get me back to a better me,. And the smoking has to stop,. And I mean cigarettes,. Cause I will not lie,. I have sparked some of the other stuff (Half Baked) for the past month,. But that's for another post,.

For now,. we rest and focus for this upcoming sunrise,.






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