8.13.2016

Into the Darkness (We make our way),.

I make my way,.

I make my way down a tunnel of cold blue darkness. Within it's walls, I see images of what once was. Of who I once decided to be. Of who I became to please others, never myself. Instead, I left myself ignored. I made others happy,. but I drowned myself in one hundred percent loathing. I came to the conclusion that I was worth less than nothing.

And that made me who I am. Every second that passed. It made me more and more, this,. What I became.

A dark, sinful, sorrowful, disgusting human being.


I lied to myself. That I was getting out of this hole. That I was getting better. But I was not.

I let others shape me. Control me.

Although I do not doubt that they love me,. The words from friends, family and loved ones. stung a thousand times when they spoke of certain things about me.

It sounds dumb to most. But we all experience life and situations in different ways,.

Sadly,. and stupidly,. All I ever wanted was that,. To feel wanted,. And that will always be that spine stuck to my gut,. Always there,. Remembering me that I will never attain that,. That,. Which others were gifted in such random fashion,. A beautiful gift to experience in this life,. And they do not know how much they take that for granted,.

Tonight,. It was just a remembrance of that,. that I am more alone that I lead myself to realize.

And that, my beautiful stars,. is a fucked up feeling to discern,.


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But I make my way,.

I make my way through this path,. It's the only path I know. And I have to make due with what I have,.

I need to remove so much toxic from my life,. So much toxic,.

My eyes see but do not clearly observe,. because my heart impedes it,. My ears hear but do not listen,. Because my mind ignores it,. My mouth?,. my mouth does not conjure words,. Because my soul is tired,. And dreams of something that will not come to pass,.

So naive,. :(

No matter what though,. we make our way,. through this tunnel we move forth,. In dark times we move forth,.

And on days I find the silence I read:

Psalm 23

A psalm of David,.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
    He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
    he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

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I promise I will do a happy post when I'm not intoxicated,.
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