To hell & back again,. (Part 1?)

It took me some time to leave the chaos state that is life, for me to sick the fuck down and try to let go of the shit I feel inside,. I'll try not to make this a long post,. I won't even take the time to proofread anything,. I won't even second guess anything that will be written down,.

It's been a crazy 2016 so far,. January was hectic because I had absolutely no money, bills were piling up while I sat waiting for my debit card to come from New York,. I had just moved to the house (which to this date, it still feels I have not fully moved in yet,.

February was more varied,. so many crazy shit that happened,. First off, I started going out with someone,. I've known her for a few years now and I would have never expected for this to happen. She is not the typical girl I have normally been with, probably that was the catalyst of all this. Am I happy? To be honest, I am not. It was not what I expected. My mind was not prepared of the circumstances that being with that person would bring. I really dislike when people live in the past when right in front of them there is a huge door inciting to walk through it and make the best of it. You are meant to cross that portal and hope for the best. Yes, put your best foot forward and walk with intent. But not everyone can do this. I do not understand how someone cannot focus on getting out of a place they do not like instead just complain about it. You are not a tree, you can decide when to walk away. It is always time to make a move. Except in times of distractions. I digress,.

My point is, I've known her for so long, and it is funny how it feels like the wrongest person treats you the best. But as time goes, sadly you start learning who is behind that mask. And even though she may continue treating me good (now with a dash of disinterest-coldness). Nothing is the same once you understand that she has feelings for someone else, once you know for certain that she has lied to you on more than one occasion. But here I am. I've decided to ignore all that. Accepted the fact that this relationship is shallow. It will not move forth,. So it is bound to diminish unless I see a sign,.

My health,. probably the best I've been in YEARS,. 223lb,. So that means I've lost 95 fucking pounds of fat,. That is like losing a 14 year old girl,. What the fuck as I on? There's so much left to go though,. 15 more pounds and hopefully an operation to cut off all this extra skin, the reason of so much pain,. gone,. Almost there. Even though I am not there yet, this has been a huge confidence boost for me. I'm really liking the attention, the smiles and noticed how people speak to me now. Just like I told a friend of mine a few days ago. No one knows better than me how heart breaking it was  to meet up with family and the moment you greet them the first thing that was blurted out had to do with your weight. When you are overweight, people for some odd reason think it is ok to make your weight or define you as, "gordo, gordito,." why could I never just be fucking me? I resented that since forever,. But I've gotten older, I've matured (in that,. I am still childish and immature in every other aspect of life),. But like I said,. things are getting better,.

But that is that for now, venting session is over,. I am at my parents house,. Gonna go help cook and spend time with my mom,. I will continue telling my tales later on,. Cause I just got majorly distracted,.