5.09.2015

Thoughts after April,.

I've kept myself busy. I need to keep my mind on check, and balance my workload between work and 2 business projects. Every day is a hassle, a fight to scratch a little bit more to get to where I want to be. Not every day is successful, I am definitely not perfect and bound to commit acts that defy logic. But standing still is not an option.

Standing still...

It hits on the daily. If I'm idle, if I'm unprepared and vulnerable to my own thoughts. Even though my doubts, my pain and my fears remain sealed, shut tight. I rewind and replay questions, thoughts & memories, and it is the most bitter-sweet feeling I will ever experience. But when I find myself this way, I quickly react and shut it all away. I have to.

My health always receives the worst damage by my actions. Nevertheless, we are fighting the fight. Not winning, but not loosing. Although we take a couple hits every now and then. This past Wednesday I got my first full-on anxiety attack since a very long long time. Sadly, I managed to self-induce that sucker. I've created the habit of going to drink coffee either after work or at night. As contrary to what happened, it is generally relaxing for me to go read out while I drink coffee and puff vapors. If not I will go mad inside the house. But apparently that day I did not listened to my body at all, I had one too many cups, and was not prepared for the traffic ahead and the shitstorm that my mind spiral into. So lame. Worst night ever. Be that as it may, I just came back from that place, Friday night, reading out, coffee and vapors. I survived the challenge of going back. And I only came back because it was starting to rain. 

May feels very odd. It just feels it's a jump to June. May feels gray, a point A to point B. But it must be the lack of sleep. Just hope June doesn't mess with my head.

I do have to say some things feel good though. I shook off some crazy influences that kept trying to get in my head. And do things I would regret. And to those, good riddance. There are just some games I do not play. And I can't certainly not let anyone fuck with my time.

So that is where this soul stands for now. Lost, but trying to find my way...
Now time to get fresh air under the moon.. Listen to music and let the vapors fade...

Until next time...

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