3.15.2015

March Madness Memory Dump

So it's me. I've been away for sometime, just like I always do. Nothing surprising there. I've been focused on work a lot and spending time doing things I should not be doing. (idle hands (and mind) are the Devil's playground, indeed).

Forever learning while this world turns. Last time I was here I was going through a lot inside. It is not like I am not at the moment, that is a constant in my life, but my focus has shifted, nonetheless.

I've learned a few things about myself and about others during the past months. My Family, my friends and old relationships. A lot of things I didn't expect came to light. Some things I wish I had not known, some thoughts and feelings that should have been kept private (from both parties (I've only shared this one (very very odd and awkward situation) with a very close close friend (a partner in sin), we concluded that the best thing would be to stop any further interactions with that other person (the obvious choice))). People from my past came into focus, asking for things they shouldn't be asking for (Fiances,. WTF). The attention is nice, but it comes from the wrongest of people. And plain & simply, I am not ready or ever was ready for a relationship. So fly, away.

If you do not yet know this about me, I am a very insecure person. I see the faults in me, as clear as cracks on a neglected painting. I put on a mask quite well during the day to day. But is not to say I never breakdown. I found myself in tears on the road @ 4am coming home. My mind wondered in to dark territories. Sat in the backyard till 6am wondering why it all is the way it is.  Blowing smoke out my damaged lungs,. Epiphany,. I've done it to myself.

Rewind back 6 hours prior to that event. I'm sitting at a bar surrounded by my friends. I've known these guys since I was in the 7th grade. They are dear to me. They are my brothers from other mothers, whom I've had the chance to experience the whole process of growing up with. We've had our ups, we definitely have our downs. But time and time again, speaking out is how we've been able to get through our rough patches.  But, I digress,. As I sit there I have this feeling inside, this sadness. Because I am not happy with myself. And that is surely fucked up, to say the least. I am smiling (or I think I'm smiling, at least) but inside I feel so disturbed by all these thoughts about me I continuously bombard myself with.

Rejection has been a huge part of my life, exclusion and omission are the additional nouns that describe this bitter situation. I do not have enough fingers to count the heavyhearted moments of disapproval that I have encountered. For that whatever sake,. And with family? I flat out stopped going to family reunions because I got tired about my weight/health having to be the topic at hand each and every single time since the earliest of times I can think of. I love my extended family, but I cannot socialize with people who only judge my appearance. I'm sorry, I can't. And that goes for everyone else in this fucked up world. I can count with a single hand those who have seen beyond that.

I know it's stupid. But, it affects, more than you will ever know.

They say,. "You should not care what people think of you",. whoever said that is not human. Cause I can't fathom a way I could put that mindset into place. Cause the one the criticizes me the most lives within me.

And I pause,. and breath,.

And I say to you,. "If you've gotten this far on my bullshit rant". I applaud you. I will let out a few more nuggets of infested thoughts I have inside. And I promise I will get to a point of all this. A conclusion that I think is my answer to make my life a little better.

So, we move forth,. I loved and I lost,. I never loved myself, I lost myself a looong time ago. And to be honest I have never felt being loved as I thought love was supposed to be. I've never felt it. I've never seen any one truly be in love with me in excess, unconditionally, a true embrace a longing for your touch. I've never felt it. What may have only came close is that early stage of a relationship. Which eventually have whined down to a monotone medley.

I need a cigarette right now,. But I wont. And that is messing with my train of thought. I'm locked in to that need now.

February I stopped going to the Gym. I had been going for the last 3 months before that stop. And it was helping me loose weight. My heart was feeling better. My back and legs have always been my eternal problem, but even that was coming around. Then I lost my badge for the Gym and my lazy switch turned on and I was back denying myself of what I needed to do. My single only activity a part from working had been shut down. I also (like the destructive dumbass I turn into sometimes) stopped eating right on February. So guess who is back to square one? (This sucker right here).

My plan is to put in over time at the Gym and push harder. Of course that sounds fine and dandy on paper, in my head or any other medium that is not the action itself.

Which brings me to my point of this post. At the moment I started writing this whole bit I was feeling pretty down, tired and disappointed about my recent results (fit wise(this will be another post)). Prior to even thinking on sitting here and discharging this content of discontent. I was in my room (what is my room for the moment) and I was presented with the question,. "Are you trying hard enough?",. And I'm here thinking to myself the possible answer to these questions. Funny thing is that the question,  "Are you trying hard enough?" is pretty powerful, I'm thinking that first, it gives me an uplifting feeling, why? Because it dismisses limit and establishes an area where you can improve upon. So I found that to be pretty neat. haha. The fact that the question was laid out so exquisitely clear, and my mind was able to discern beyond what the question implied in text but what my resulting emotion had been upon assimilating it's intent. I like those moments, when messages make sense.

So in conclusion, there are a lot of things at the moment on my plate. I have to work on myself. (I was reading about narcissism, and I'm honestly troubled by the fact that I may share a lot of the characteristics of narcissist people. And that is truly one scary thought for me)

I need to get organized at work.
Make the most out of the Gym.
Not be an ass, and eat right.
Not spend on things I don't need.

And all those are easy things to do. If you apply the correct method. But above all, it takes self-discipline. Which is a skill I cyclically use, which is terrible method results-wise. But, I am learning again. First step is to acknowledge your fault. Then proceed to device a way to fix it. So here we are sitting in our (temp) room, @ 2:40am, accepting the fact that we have not been pushing ourselves enough, and that there is a lot more that we can offer to reach our goals. My most important goal at this time? Being able to look in the mirror and stand who is looking back at me. Sound mean, I know, but even-though I hate the guy, I know he has a lot of potential, I'm disappointed of his wasted talent.


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