5.24.2011

be good to yourself // walking a lonely road

Having the knowledge that something is always off. Being aware that despite you hold a clear image in your mind, words stumble when it's time to let it be known to others. I don't know about the rest of you, but I suffer immensely due to this miserable habit.
There are things about me that are just off when it comes to my persona. I'm not open to the rest, always to keep hidden some part of me. Prey to my own mind, tired of being judged, casualty of a never ending cycle of which I expect no one to assimilate. Some part of me just learned to be that way. After all the comments, the typical jokes, the tired old statements about my appearance. It is not easy to let go when you've been fed this odd reaction from those you see day to day or meet once in your life. There is truly nothing that can excuse me from being this way. But, on the other hand, I cannot fully explain why I am how I am,.

Talking to my psychiatrist & psychologist (that statement alone, clear sign there's an issue) I begin to understand further where my mind has ran off to (even though they sometimes may do it in a lecturing tone (which I hate)). Why I have fallen victim to this anxiety. Today I meditated and got some real answers from inside. But there is a long way from where I am, to where I want to be. All I can do is walk the path the best I can, hope for the best, and eventually leave behind that baggage that keeps holding me back.

actions follow belief,. I need belief,.

had a great dream yesterday, wished I was that me,. not the me I am now,.
wish I had that which I lack,.
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