7.01.2010

Panic Attacks,. -.-

Off base,. we all got a comfort zone,. it can vary in size,. some are able to withstand great amounts of pressure, others dislike the mere thought of a stressful activity. I can honestly describe myself as someone who at least 80% of the time, would let things (issues) not complicate his psyche,. Always in search for that moment were I would let anything that would stress me, slide. I was not prepared for the cards life would dealt me,. Symptoms that something within me was going wrong felt creeping as weeks went by. And fate placed me at work one morning with an undesirable situation. As I walked into the office I felt out of place. My head felt high above my body, I took gulps of breath as though I was in a room were oxygen felt scarce. I sat down in my cube and try to relax. Just to find myself tumbling down on my own thoughts. My hands shook and were useless to my commands. Each moment that passed my heart sped up and there was no stopping the hysteria this caused. I tried making my way to the water cooler with my cup and green tea clenched to my hands. Trying to convince myself that I was gonna get better once the tea was in me. I was so wrong, I sat there desperately awaiting some sign of wellness. But all I got were more signs that I was not gonna calm down any time soon. I walked over to whom was my manager at the time and told him, "I'm doing really really bad right now, walk with me to the clinic, cause I wont make it myself". "Sure", he said with a face that only reflected my own uneasiness. So, he did,. he walked me over to the clinic. He tried a few times to as me what was wrong. But words could not formulate, my lips tumbled. My mind was more worried that every single step I took made my vision less stable, my heart beat faster, my balance diminish and lungs feel as though no air was getting captured. Somehow, we made it to the clinic. I sat there impatiently, my hands like claws grasped the couch I had sat on. Awaiting the nurses door to open. At this point my mind was made up, "This is the day I die",. My tongue was dry off the hyperventilation. The water cooler was a few steps away from the couch I sat on. But I knew my heart was pumping so fast. And if I walked over to the water cooler it was going to get worst. I guess its time to point out that the noise in the office was unbearable. It felt loud, as though every decided to shout straight in to my ear. Anyways, I decided to make my way to the water cooler, it was that or sit there and die of dehydration,. Take you pick,. Took my gulps of water, by the time I sat down my tongue was getting dry again, but I decided to wait and hope the nurses door would open. And so it did. I launched myself inside. Told the nurse what I was going through,. Checked my blood pressure,. and it was somewhat high,. gave me a few pills and laid me facing up. And said,. "Rest,."

I waited, time seemed to pass so slow,. My breathing felt much quicker than the seconds that passed. I was making no progress in relaxing my body. Feeling so out of control. It did not feel like my body at all. This continued for like an hour or so. Until the nurse came back into the room and said,. "Ok,. lets check on that blood pressure again",. So we did,. it was back to normal,. And I was doing a bit better due to that bit of information. Then the Doctor spoke with me. And told basically told me to go home and rest,.

I made my way back to my cube. Slowly getting those symptoms back in. By the time I was back in my cube gathering my things,. I was again full throttle into my path of hysteria. Once I had all my things in order I again told my manager, "I'm leaving, this is too much, etc,.",. He then offered to walk me to the lobby and wait for somebody to pick me up,. At this point, it was the worst this episode from hell had gotten to. I attempted to explain to my mom why I needed for her to pick me up. Words were useless, I felt out of control. We made it to the lobby, somehow,. by this time I mumble to myself,. and my manager tried making small talk which was pretty damn funny,. Cause as he tried to make me laugh and think of something else,. Inside of me I felt how I was loosing control of myself.

It so hard to explain how you can loose yourself. How so easily you loose control of something you'd think was so simple to maintain (your sanity),.

That day passed and I learned a little bit of what I had gone through. Just as I have gotten really bad attacks since that very first one. Worst yet has been on my birthday,. I had to stop the car,. My mouth was so dry. No one to help me and nothing I could do but to try to get home. Something I love to do (driving) and there I sat in the car afraid out of my mind unable to.

There's more to this strange situation Ive come across with at my 27, now 28 years of age,. But I guess as a story,. that's that. And if you cross me any day and ask me about it in real life,. I'll probably wont say much,. Except,. "It Sucks",.

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